Me: Don’t you think it’s weird and creepy that you’re 37 years old and still hang out at the high-school you went to?
Wife (who was homeschooled): Shut up. You’re not getting out of coming with me to visit my parents.
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Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy…
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: *Removes mask to reveal she is actually Santa*
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOO
horse: [driving in a car past people in a field] PEOPLE!
How come when gods have sex with mortals none of the offspring ends up just being something like a really good accountant?
I’ve seen The Blair Witch Project and that’s all I need to know about camping.
I put my laptop in incognito mode but it still has “DELL” written on its lid in big letters, so it obviously hasn’t worked.
*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money
I love it when waiters tell me to tell them when to stop grating cheese on my meal.
It’s cheese, dude. We’ll be here a while.
I have a Boo and a Bae. I guess you can say I have Boobaes.
Leonardo DiCaprio is totally getting laid tonight! This has nothing to do with the Oscar, just a safe assumption to make each and every day.
If you hate being single, imagine being with someone who sets 10 alarms to wake up each day and sleeps through every one of them.
Wild-eyed guy passed me in the grocery store hissing “applesauce” but I can’t tell if he was looking for it or running away
EARTH: Happy Earth Day to me!
SUN: whatever
EARTH: Why does everything have to revolve around you?
SUN: Physics
Swedish for common sense.
Based on how he reacts, you’d think my dog’s entire family was killed by pizza delivery guys.
If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it’s working.
“Are you ok?” No my cheese drawer is empty
I blame 2 of my 3 DUIs on Jesus because I specifically told him to take the wheel
He said he thinks I’m resilient to everything, so I thanked him, but on second thought, he may have low key called me a cockroach
Why be content with those 3 little words when you can have 6.
“Your parcel is out for delivery.”
Relationship status: I shout “PIZZA’S HERE” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating two pizzas by myself.
Trump is blaming Sanders supporters for the violence at his rally because you can’t truly be Hitler until you blame a Jew for your problems.
wife: where’s the baby
me: in the cradle
wife: but where’s the cradle
me: on the treetop
[a gust of wind is followed by a crash]
me: I just thought of a song
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up
They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper “Dont do it” when you open them.
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
“..so that’s the story of Christmas. Questions?”
Where do turtledoves come from?
“Well, when a turtle and a dove really love each other..”
people misspelling definitely as defiantly is one of my pet hates however I do like seeing a status like “defiantly getting a chinese tonight” and imagining someone booting down the door of peking garden.
Like shark attacks on humans, it’s actually extremely rare. The majority of antique, porcelain headed dolls aren’t interested in murdering people.
Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.