Stop bringing shitty Bluetooth speakers on hikes. No one came to the woods to hear you listen to Katy Perry
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ME: (signing) What color are apples?
BOBO THE GORILLA: (signing) Please free me from this prison
ME: (writing) Still struggling with colors
co-worker: ok who put seafood in the microwave
me: oh sorry does my lobster smell
co-worker: no he’s pinching people
My husband kidnapped me for a romantic weekend away. Now I’m just lying here wondering when I’m getting out of the trunk.
*sees a baby deer drinking from a stream*
*very quietly pulls out phone*
*likes Ice-T on Facebook*
Me: Everyone’s doing an Easter tweet today, guess I should do one
Also me: *flipping through bible for research* whoa whoa whoa what are they gonna do with those nails
me, alone: [reads a book in my head intelligently]
me, with people: [reads a book out loud like a 5 yo just learning to read]
[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
if you wear camouflage on house hunters, the houses will never see you coming
I figured out the best time to go grocery shopping these days is at 3:45 AM, before the Girl Scouts even wake up. Ha, I’ll show them.
I am going to miss shaking hands after sex.
if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.
For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.
I create my own luck. Also, my own problems. I’m very creative.
I always go the extra mile at work. That’s why I’m a terrible taxi driver.
I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.
[trying to ride a horse]
ME: oh shit how do i slow down?!
GUY OUTSIDE THE SUPERMARKET: this is for children
Always keep your head up and stand proud! That way your double chin won’t show in your pictures.
This tweet has been deleted
can u believe that 6 months ago we just let random people breathe on us
walmart: why do u want to work here?
me: it’s easier to steal if the employees trust me
walmart: why would u tell us that
me: *slowly taking their pen* to build trust
Everyone please stop saying that today’s date only happens once. EVERY date only happens once, that’s how time works.
Your Twitter Dom probably sits at the kids’ table during Thanksgiving
grandpa: ur father changed after the war
me: somtimes emojis i never use appear in my frequently used page and i dont kno how they got there
as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.
Did I remember to take Ambien? I’ll ask my lamp. He’s speaking German but maybe I’ll get the gist.
Every time I eat a banana in public, a stranger offers me money to do it in private.
I ate 32 bananas today & made $725.
I have diarrhea.
You kids today with your on demand music don’t know the euphoria of hearing your jam come on the radio without the DJ talking over it.
Officer: Sir, we have reports you’ve trained this bird to injure passersby.
Me: Ridiculous!
O: The pet’s name?
M: Paul the Attack Canary.
if you are a fly, please ignore this tweet