When people tell me I have the body of a 25 yr old, I’m unsure if it’s a compliment, or they finally unearthed the oil drums in my backyard.
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“and that’s why you should always put your stuff away” I lecture my kid as we search for the missing candy I ate while she was sleeping
“If you build a lasagna, I will come.”
– Garfield of Dreams
Don’t push me, I’ve seen EVERY episode of Forensic Files.
Day 4: They suspect nothing.
📸:
I think she is an organ harvester 🤔🤔 #tinder #tinderindia
ME: what language is this
BING: croatian
ME: nice what does it say
BING: how the heck would I know
“Ah, Mr Bond, I-”
*closes laptop lid and pulls up trousers*
“-wasn’t expecting you.”
My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.
There is no law stating that you have to explain why you’re carrying a purse full of hair when going through security.
Don’t talk to me until after I’ve had my breakfast beer
You break into a petting zoo once, to try and brush a goat’s teeth…and all of a sudden you’re banned for life.
*sighs*
Trying to convince a kid, no matter the age, that they’re tired, is like trying to tell a drunk they’re drunk. Denial & anger will follow.
Me: I was so happy before I lost my forearms in that shark attack
Therapist: How do you feel now?
Me: With my elbows
For the last 60 days, a guy from Tinder has texted me some variation of “Hi. How are you?”
I reply, “Good. You?”
And the conversation trails off there or after a few more texts.
He never makes plans to go out.
I guess he’s just making an Excel spreadsheet about how I am.
its that time of the year again, don’t forget to hang your missile toads
“I don’t know why I’m always depressed” I think to myself as I stare at the glowing portal in my hand that streams a constant feed of horror
If I pay $30 for a haunted house I better die
This year for Mothers Day, I’d just like all the charging cables back that my kids have stollen from me
awareness is a funny thing. within a ten minute period my daughter went from not knowing about dinosaurs to sobbing hysterically about the evil planet earth that killed her potential best friend, the pterodactyls
Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?
I feel for my kids, who had to take in the groceries and put them away today. They may never recover from this traumatic experience.
Them: You need to get a sense of humor.
Me: You need to say something funny.
My son just tripped over some toys and was convinced his 1yo sister set a trap for him. Utterly ridiculous.
It was me.
“Ohhh, a knife! What are you gonna do, stab me or something?”
– Guy about to get stabbed bad
romeo and juliet is what happens when you don’t sync your watches before a mission
Who decided that a clown popping suddenly out of a metal box would be a good toy for young children?
Him: Brunch tomorrow?
Me: No, I’ll be asleep.
Him: What time will you be awake?
Me: I don’t understand the question.
Fun fact: they used acronyms back in colonial times too but DOS meant Dead of Smallpox and LMFAO meant Lost My Farm and Outbuildings
Driving to work, and I just reached down to touch my leg to make sure I have pants on.
Pillsbury DoughBoy: I don’t ask for much in a relationship. I just want to feel kneaded