I just innocently told my wife that for the past 8 years I’ve thought it was okay to put bobbles and hair pins in the bin if they’re just left lying around.
Holy shit. What a moment.
You Might Also Like
A wet beach towel will dry in about 30 minutes in the sun or 36 weeks in a hotel room.
The 10 Most Defining Viral Twitter Posts of All Time
1.
Airports have the right idea. If you’re gonna stress people out, at least give them bookstores, coffee, cocktails, and let them wear sweatpants. It’s only fair.
The 9:50 from Paris has been diverted. Nothing to do with the weather, we just don’t like the French.
My greatest fear is waking up after being buried alive so I’ve decided to be cremated
*wakes up in cremation oven*
Me (standing on top of my kitchen island): I CANT SWIM!!!!
DATING: i can’t believe we have so much in common
MARRIAGE: please don’t watch your stuff under my netflix profile
This is going to be my year.
WebMD: paranoid schizophrenia
i love that bands still pretend to leave before their encore. like peekaboo for adults
Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.
[at the mall]
“Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?”
“Of course.”
[leans in to mic]
“Goodbye you little shit.”
How many pans of brownies eaten gets me the Girl Scout badge for gluttony?
Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.
*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*
Ever since Facebook allowed images in their comments sections people only ever communicate via pictures. We’re 21st-century cavemen.
Neighbor was pissed because Scrappy was barking this morning, I told him well you can’t get upset it’s what dogs do, especially after finding human bones in the yard.
One time i watched a movie where al pacino played a cop & then i watched another one where he was a real estate salesman & then another one where he was a union leader & i was all, like, “haha, can this guy NOT hold down a job?”
Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.
Remember: It’s not stalking if you don’t see me.
I don’t think the church is going to let me pick music for the bible group again. In my defense, the band name “Lamb of God” is misleading.
HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.
[first day as furniture salesman]
Guy [inspecting bed]: nice, solid frame. Who makes it?
Me: you or your wife. Whoever gets up last really
[wedding]
i wrote my own vows *removes paper*
“chickety china the chinese chicken”
whoops wrong one *2nd paper*
“if i had $1,000,000”
To the organizations that send me news alerts: However interested you think I am in the private life of Taylor Swift, I promise you it’s less than that.
Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet?
Wife: I’m definitely bothered
Once broke up with a girl cuz I didn’t like the way she agreed with me
4yo: mommy, can you make me popcorn when you are done sitting?
Me: {gets into a more comfortable position} sureee!
In 1979, a call coming from inside the house was a reason for terror.
In 2014, it means one of you is too lazy to shout or come downstairs.
I just saw a guy put deodorant on before walking into an adult bookstore.
I kinda want to date him now.
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
My fave part of eating corn dogs is when you get to the bottom and you have to shove the wooden stick in the back of your throat to get that last bit o’ battered glizzy