I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.
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Partner: It’s raining
Me: But just water, right, not frogs or fire or anything
I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”
“Will.he.was”
-Will.i.am’s tombstone
“What’s up, doc?” says Bugs Bunny. “Not you,” laughs the doctor. “Take these little blue pills.”
*Looney Tunes music plays*
Who are these people that buy unsalted butter on purpose?
MUFASA: Everything the light touches is our kingdom.
ME: What about shadows or when it’s cloudy?
MUFASA: *Sigh* Wh…why are you like this?
I crave feet in the sand, a gentle ocean breeze, the sun on my face, and two entirely new presidential candidates.
Yeah sex is pretty good but have you ever successfully started a conga line?
I often fantasize about lying naked in bed, surrounded by various bags of chips and I have octopus arms so I can eat all the chips at once.
The guy who thought up Super Mario must have had a very complicated relationship with turtles
Uber Eats: Imagine this $15 burger.
Me: Damn, that looks delicious.
Uber Eats: now, imagine it being $35…
I accidentally stepped on my cat’s tail the other day. You could cut the levels of tension, hurt and mistrust with a knife. I feared for my life. Feline retaliation was nigh. That night she threw up on my bed. Balance was once again achieved.
me: how do i tell my wife i want a divorce?
wife: not like this
5: I want to learn drums.
Me: Ok, but you have to walk them, feed them, and pick up their poop.
*confused, 5 walks away
I am the master.
*Goes to bathroom
*Reaches down to unzip
*Discovers pants have been unzipped for the last 4 hours
*Starts wearing underwear
Social media: for when you want to fight with your kids on 3 platforms
Marriage is a lot of why are you looking at me like that?
What happens when you build a house on top of an old cemetery for accordion players?
You have a polkageist.
When you think about it, Jesus really accomplished a lot in the four months between Christmas and Easter.
From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”
I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?
(Sigh)
I used to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.
Now I sleep like a bear and eat like a horse…
My new SUV has a button that says
“Rear Wiper”.
I’m afraid to push it.
I just killed two birds with one stone and my next door neighbor looks horrified.
A corn maze, because the only thing worse than trying to get kids to eat vegetables is trying to get them to walk endlessly through vegetables.
If you see a glass as half empty, pour it into a smaller glass.
My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.
me: i need to a place to relax.
cruise ship director: say no more. i want you to imagine a giant office building on its side filled with thousands of people floating in the middle of the ocean.
The government has already implanted chips in our heads. Mine are barbecue
I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.