Toddlers LOVE to help. Then they get older and are actually able to help… Which is when they start to roll their eyes and complain.
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Me: I’m hot.
Husband: *turns on AC*
Me: I’m cold.
H: *turns off AC*
Me: I’m hot.
H: *jumps out of car*
Pretty much everyone I’ve ever met has told me to stop exaggerating
Do assassins for hire offer holiday discounts? Comparison shopping seems a bit risky.
Why do people say tunafish, rather than just tuna?
Is that to differentiate from the tunacow and tunagiraffe?
Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.
[Interview]
CEO: Why do you think you’d be a good fit at our firm?
GUY WHOSE DESCRIPTION IS SO LONG HE DOESN’T ACTUALLY GET TO SAY ANYTHING:
When taking your dog to the vet it’s very important to remember to put your dog in the car.
My boss is having a colonoscopy today.
I sure hope they find his head.
[ asteroid approaching earth ]
me: *slapping baseball mitt*
[at job interview at NASA]
NASA: sir, you’re underqualified for this position.
Me: have you seen our president?
NASA: give him a spaceship
[Frankenstein Castle]
MAMA: You need to make more friends
VICTOR: Fine…
{later}
MAMA: I should have been more specific
my last few brain cells clinging on for dear life
I was on my couch and my 5YO came up and put his arms around my waist. I was smiling like a fool until I realized he was looking for the remote control I was sitting on.
My niece thinks she’s more mature than me because she listens to Beethoven.
His movies sucked plus why would I wanna listen to dog music?
I wish I had the confidence of someone publicly donning a cloak
How I flirt with girls:
1. Walk past them 15 times
2. Go home
inside you there are two wolves. one snores like “honk shoo honk shoo honk shoo.” the other one snores like “hooooonk mi mi mi”
If the horse track doesn’t open back up soon, I’m gonna lose the only math I remember.
Some dude called me a nerd so I hit him with my Quidditch broom
My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.
Fact: A good beer will not lose its label after sitting in a cooler of ice water all week.
Related: Why is there still beer in the cooler??
INSURANCE REP: I’m afraid you’re going to need more coverage
ME: sorry I couldn’t find my pants this morning
You wanna do stuff with toys in bed? Let’s do it; I’ve already got like 3 hot wheels cars and a Barbie in there right now, so….
In one class I have a Bella, an Ella, an Eli and an Ellie. Say those names quickly three times in a row and Bloody Mary appears to steal your freshly sharpened pencils.
Went for a couple of dates with this girl. She invited me back to hers, said I could see her lady garden. I declined and never called her again – I’m not partaking in sexist horticulture
Dangerously attractive guitars get added to the sexy fenders register.
therapist: what’s on your mind
me: why would a bull be in a china shop to begin with
Let’s normalize using the term “Cooking Wine” to refer to the wine we drink while cooking.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
You smell of bins.