I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!
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I wish Gordon Ramsay would get one tattoo so I could take him seriously as a chef.
We get it, Aaron. You like vowels
Obi-wan: You look different.
Vader: You left me burning alive in lava with no arms and legs.
Obi-wan: I thought maybe you got a haircut.
Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.
I’m just gonna say it. I’d smurf Smurfette.
Why cotton swab companies haven’t used “just the tip” as an advertising slogan yet is beyond me.
the way this pissed me off… 😭
My Kid: what was your favorite part of the day?
Me: that moment at about 8:30 this morning when my second cup of coffee hit me, and I could understand what you kids were saying through all your screaming.
Kid: huh?
Me: I said, when we went to the park.
DOG: *prancing and enthusiastically wagging*
WIFE: the dog got the mail again
ME: damn, why does she only chew up the ones addressed to me?
WIFE: because she knows you hate bills
ME: …
DOG: *still wagging*
ME: WHO’S A GOOD GIRL?!
grandparents reading the obituaries is the original checking friends’ timelines to see what they’re up to
Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.
Will you marry me – Proposal
Will, You, Mary, Me -foursome request
Will, you marry me – Timetravler spoiling the future
Will you, Mary me – Cavewoman Introducing herselfPunctuation, it’s THAT important!
A guy said he fantasizes about me in a bathtub filled with Big Mac sauce and I said YOU’RE DISGUSTING AND DISTURBED and see you at 8, Brian.
Do I have a girlfriend!? Are you kidding me? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TOILET PAPER THOSE THINGS USE!?
When you’re totalitarian but still want people to have choices…
“I can’t possibly lose this if I put it here” I say to myself before completely forgetting where here is
I like it when the clocks change because it’s a law that feels like a prank. The government’s going to change the time while you’re asleep. Next month they’re going to unscrew your salt shaker while you’re at work.
kicked out of photoshop class for letting out a huge yeehaw every time i select the lasso tool
3-year-old: *dumps Cheez-its on the floor*
Me: What are you doing?!
3-year-old: Feeding the Roomba.
if dolly were in the holy bible she’d be in charge of parton the red seas.
If cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want.
[First Date]
Me: So this has been great.
*moves in for a kiss*
Me: Jesus, a little handsy there.
Octopus: I can’t… I can’t help it.
Company loyalty can often be explained by Stockholm syndrome.
Don’t take me camping because if I see a bear, I will hug that bear.
[walking dog in park]
girl: “awww, he’s cute.. whats his name?”
dog: “keith”
[me and the dog high five]
My Phone autocorrected “wish you were here” to “wish you were beer” and I sent it anyways
heard you like bad girls so I squeezed lemon juice on my fish even though the waiter grabbed me & was like “no, there’s already lemon on it”
Sometimes I feel bad for yelling at my kids, but then I remember that some animals eat their kids and I don’t feel so bad anymore.
god: i need you to build a death star
noah: uh, what’s a death star?
god: {flipping through his notes} oh, sorry, wrong story. i need you to build an ark…
“Say it!”
“No!”
“Say it, Hans.”
“My name’s not Hans!”
“I WILL drop you.”
“Fine, okay, you win!”
“I need to hear you say it.”
“Die Hard is a Christmas movie!”