[At maternity ward]
Me: is this where babies are delivered
Nurse: Yes
Me: You ought to be ashamed. Babies need their livers
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We’ve all talked about throwing a dirty dish away instead of washing it. But only some of us have done it.
[in living room]
Daughter: This show SUCKS
Son: YOU suck
Wife: Ok, that’s ENOUGH
Me: WHERE IS THE TV REMOTE
Realtor: *clears throat*
Me: Feels like home…we’ll take it
Does a sunset actually happen if someone doesn’t take a picture of it and post it on Instagram?
Neighbor asked me over for coffee and said ‘make yourself comfortable’, so I did, I went home.
if you ever see me shirtless, galloping past you majestically on horseback, call an ambulance because i don’t know what i’m doing
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
agent: *getting tortured* do your worst
villain: why would i do that
agent: it’s just… i was trying to sound tough
villain: i’m always doing my best
agent: i know. you’re doing great
villain: thanks
Your husband’s super cute, is he single?
“Hey, wanna hangout?” “Later.” “Now?” “No, later” “How about now?” “Jesus christ.” -if Adobe Updater was your friend
Sorry I wore my ” If you can read this my hiking partners been eaten by a bear. ” T-shirt when we went camping
Years ago I promised a now 44 yr old friend I’d marry her if she was still single at 45 I need someone to step up she’s a mess
My husband got a notification that “there’s a familiar face” at the door.
It was the Amazon delivery guy, y’all.
whole time I was thinking “how’s Popeye gonna top this shit” then this mf justs —
I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming “KITT!” When he can’t find his car.
adulthood means trying to convince yourself the font is just too small and it isn’t your eyesight going bad
Thy pee runneth clear,
Hydration is near.
Thy pee runneth yellow,
Drink up, my good fellow
Him: dude I love clubs, they’re great for picking up chicks
Me *nodding thoughtfully* girls love sandwiches
Mr. & Mrs. Darling were unreasonably upset about Peter Pan taking Wendy considering they went out leaving a dog in a hat in charge.
Zygote that created me: I am creating the miracle of life. The human I become will achieve greatness!
Me: Hear me out….Cheeto Pop Tarts!
hi aliens, if you’re harvesting humans the best and juiciest ones have a lot of numbers in their bank accounts
Her: You’ve been quiet.
Him: Thank you.
Clark Kent is such a hipster.
He has fake glasses, still uses phone booths, & prides himself as being the only one who hasn’t seen Superman
haha of course i know how to pronounce marchioness of cholmondeley but you go first
Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today to place bets on how long this marriage will last because these idiots met 2 months ago.
The first thing I’m going to do when I’m rich is buy an airline flight for everyone who works at the DMV and then delay the flight forever.
Funny women are smart. Be careful.
Shout out to Pringles for admitting they’re addictive, unlike cigarettes and heroin the two biggest liars of the snack industry.
If I had any self control I’d probably eat that too.
*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*
There’s a knock at the door. I open it, but there’s no one there. Unsettled, I slow down a little and pull into the middle lane.