I hope one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is single.
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genie: make a wish
bob: I wish I was rich
genie: your wish is granted
rich: thank you
My wife and I just finished an intense 6-month mediation to pick the movie we’re going to fall asleep 10 minutes into.
I’d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, ice dispenser..
Doctor’s orders say 30 crunches a day….That’s an awful lot of chocolate to eat but I guess I can give it a shot
[becomes allergic to the floor midway through a date & slowly floats out of a window]
3 just stopped what she was doing looked at the sky and said ‘something’s coming’ in case you thought you were going to sleep tonight
Apparently being half naked on a conference call is especially not appropriate when it’s the left half.
[on stage]
me: *takes a bow* thank you
Violinist: hey, I need that
I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables.
I couldn’t live off of that celery.
My 4yo has been wrapping up his toys in newspaper and giving them to me as gifts all morning.
Really wishing right now I had bought him better shit.
girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s The Exorcist
One of the most unexpected results of my extended sobriety is that I’m still clumsy as hell.
Guy down the street wanted to borrow a wrench so I asked him adjustable, box or open ended, he said the adjustable one you borrowed six months ago.
Hey IKEA,
Marriage Therapists and Divorce Lawyers on site in your stores, you’d make a killing.
I got laid off from Twitter for accidentally reacting with 😂 instead of 🔥 on a sexy dm room pic.
If people start referring to your outfits as “get-ups,” you might want to start rethinking some of your fashion choices.
[texting my fiancé the night before our wedding] are we still on for tomorrow
5 SECONDS AGO!
What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them?
therapist: whats the problem?
me: i keep having a reoccurring dream where there are five of me and we’re all yellow.
therapist: sounds like you’re bananas
[In meeting, puts cap on pen]
Me: Thanks everyone.
Coworker: Oh, also I nee–
Me: No, did you not see me cap my pen? This meeting is over.
as a kid, I used to think $1,000 was a lot of money. But now that I’m an adult, I think it’s a tremendous amount of money
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
4-year-old: Are hot dogs made from real dogs?
Me: Would you eat them if they were?
4: No!
Me:
4: Unless I had ketchup.
Just convinced my Mom she won’t get Wolf of Wall Street if she doesn’t see Teen Wolf first. Please play along.
As an incredibly powerful, mostly evil, very attractive supernatural being, I have one weakness:
A female protagonist who has just turned sixteen and thinks there’s nothing special about her at all.
Every time I raise my arm a little, a falcon lands on it. It was super-cool at first, but now I’m starting to get annoyed.
superhero movie: this already insanely hot person discovers they have numerous additional gifts
me: this is relatable as hell
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas
Me: Opposite of Ladyfinger should be Mentos.
Grocery store clerk: *into walkie talkie* Security? He’s back!
Me: (throwing up in toilet)
6: (pulls my hair out of my face)
Me: *aw she cares about me*
6: Can you see now to put in the password for the iPad?