As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.
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clerk: looks like you got big plans for the new year
me: yeah *filling my cart with fireworks* imma fight the sky
but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??
asking for a friend
Gonna eat this baklava wearing a balaclava whilst playing a balalaika
Once my wife asked me to tell her a story that would put her asleep, so I said “let’s talk about the history of operating systems.”
The exasperated gasp and nearly audible eye-roll told me I was on the right track! 😜
Cashier: your total comes to $59
Guy who forgets which numbers are funny: heheh nice
I wonder how much time Han Solo spent just brushing Chewie’s fur and talking about their aspirations
[in ambulance]
“Sir, do you know your blood type?”
“Yeah [coughs & points to wound] red.”
Welcome to parenthood. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if a day was 3267 hours long?
Wife: Heading up to bed *winks*
[30 min later]
Wife: …where is he?
Me: (laying perfectly still in floral camo that matches the sheets)
[ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you
“..y..o..u..’r..e..”
Stop fingering it and put it in your mouth is not the best choice of words when speaking to your teenager about her dinner..
I know this now
put a pic of a girl with perfect abs on my fridge so I’m motivated to suck in my gut every time I pull out the ice cream
I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.
There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.
Purgatory is like approaching a flashing stoplight. The light at the end of the tunnel is blinking and no one knows what to do.
me: I wish I knew how to make you less angry
her: you could start by just listening to me once in a-
me: I mean I’ll do anything
her: I just said you can lis-
me: anything at all
Looking for my glasses that my 5yo hid, but not having much success because I CAN’T FIND MY GLASSES.
I just paid off a credit card debt with a different credit card & now I get why people rob banks.
i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it
*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires.
So, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly.
Career day:
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”
After learning about hieroglyphics, it makes you realize that Egyptians invented the emoji.
My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.
[texting gf]
February 13th
“I think we should spend some time apart”February 15th
“Ok that was enough time”
My daughter asked me for money on a FaceTime call and I pretended like the screen froze up and she tells me, “Mother, the ceiling fan is still moving.”
The student has surpassed the master
Easiest and quickest way to get me to shut up, open my mouth and get on my knees is to simply make it rain Skittles.
I think we should send notes to our bosses like when we were in school seeing if your crush liked you but it’s “will you give me the raise I deserve check yes or no”
Remembering the most devastating your mum joke ever written
I got a weather service alert that my area is under a flash flood warning and to “take immediate action” so I bought a boat on Amazon. I don’t know I feel like they could be more specific.