Not to brag, but I can run pretty fast with a tv in my hands.
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DOCTOR [hitting me with his car] This is for not eating that apple
How come Yoko Ono didn’t marry someone from Nickleback instead?
“I hope this email finds you—“ STOP FINDING MEEEEE
All it takes is a “food dreadful, service poor” Yelp review to get your mother-in-law to stop inviting you to Sunday dinner.
My dad shouted “shut up idiots” to the cats.
I told him “You’re speaking English to a cat. You’re the idiot. You have to meow at them.”
When someone asks me if I can do them a “solid”, I always answer with “my pleasure” before heading to the bathroom.
English Language: ‘I before E, except after C’.
Keith: That’s not true.
English Language: Don’t make it weird.
Keith: But you just..
English Language: Wow ur feisty this morning, someone hasn’t had their caffeine lol
“I am inspiring” -Russian guy who’s about to get kicked out of his spy ring
Boss: did I hear you call me a twat?
Me: recently?
[at doctor]
can u cough for me please?
*coughs*
again please
*coughs*
i see i see. i’m afraid you have a cough
A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too
this makes me so uncomfortable
Instruments were designed to be actually played, not “air played,” Kirk.
My son is begging for a pet dog as if he doesn’t remember what happened with our chia pet. Or the second chia pet. Or the third…
Oh no, I’m taking the entire package of snacks with me when I go back to the couch.
[first date]
Her: The menu is in French.
Me: Allow me to order for you.
Her: Sure.
Me: Mÿ dâtę wòûld líkê thé chėésëbûrgęr, plæsê.
Food shopping after I’ve eaten:
“That’ll be $56.93.”Food shopping when I’m hungry:
“That be $1,432.68. Do you need someone to assist you with your cart train?”
This 3 hour home security video of me coming home drunk & trying to sneak through our motion sensor flood light should be on Netflix.
I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white
*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*
*Takes kid to pub*
*Bumps into wife at pub*
honey I’m home
wife: how was your first night class
well [hangs up suit of armor] not good
A bloke just in front of me got knocked over by a runaway shopping trolley and if I hadn’t paused to look at a couple of fish fillets it could have been me. I immediately thought, there but for the brace of cod go I.
It’s weird how nail clippers seem to breed in your bathroom drawer then scatter when you need a pair like some bizarre version of Andy’s toys.
First Date RED FLAGS:
He brings a bottle of his mom’s perfume and asks you to put some on
*I gently remove an eyelash from her cheek*
“Make a wish,” I say.
*I am crushed by a T-Rex wearing a saddle seconds later*
“I don’t want to see the movie until I read the book first” is why I’ve never watched a movie in my life
Interviewer: It says in your CV that you are quick at maths. What is 23 x 39?
Me: 69.
Interviewer: That’s not even close.
Me: No, but it was quick, isn’t it?
“You will be visited by three spirits. The first two will be a waste of your time but the third one, holy shit…”
Dear Lord..
her: sugar?
me: *flirting seductively* yes, honey?
her (a barista): please take your coffee and leave