When do kids stop eating things they find on the floor? According to my husband it’s not 38.
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blood is thicker than water, which is my secret to winning the annual county fair gravy contest every year
Me: *screaming*
HELP!! AHHHH! HELP! I CAN’T SEE!!Him: Are you stuck in your sweater again?
Me: *muffled voice*
Maybe.
9am: *starts diet*
2pm: *injects KFC gravy intravenously*
A butterfly just landed on the tip of my cigarette & exploded.
What in the hell do they put in butterflys?
Me [double-clicking a word to select it]
Microsoft Word: are you trying to select this entire sentence?
Me: no, just the one word
Microsoft Word: ok are you trying to select the entire paragraph?
Me: no, just that word…
Microsoft Word: ok I’ll just delete this entire page
Me: Baby, would you do that sexy thing with your mouth?
Her: *Yodels*
Everybody’s an atheist until the final two minutes of a sports game.
10yo: I’m confused. The paper says “20s theme.” But this is the 20s. So we dress like we do everyday?
Me:
Me:
Me: That’s exactly what it means.
You can’t buy an umbrella. You can only inherit or steal one.
Comedians shouldn’t joke about serious issues. They achieved perfection with slipping on banana peels and there was no need to innovate beyond that
I really miss Jake. And Clyde. And Marissa. Gina too. I should stop naming my cupcakes right before I eat them. 🙁
Doctor: “I’m afraid you have loser says what disease.”
Me: “What?”
Doctor: “lol”
Me: “Is it serious?”
Doctor: “What?”
Me: “lol”
*put cooked chicken in oven*
*offer to cook date dinner*
*put raw chicken in oven*
*immediately pull out cooked chicken*
*keep eye contact*
First, they came for the lettuce… and I said nothing because I don’t eat lettuce.
Then, they came for the kale… and I said nothing because I don’t eat kale.
Then they came for the fries…
and I said, OH. HELL. NO.
*whispers to old lady at Starbucks*
one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby
I love Bounty but even I think this is cursed
I, for one, like it when blackberry seeds get stuck in my teeth at breakfast. Gives me little mouth missions to accomplish throughout the day.
all i did was tell my dad i’m anaemic 😭😭
Me: What’s your strongest weakness?
Candidate: …
*Realises stupid question & thinks of cover up
M: It’s a trick question. You’re hired!
when revenge coincides with naptime
[Married pillow-talk]
Husband: What’s your deepest fantasy?
Me: That when our kids eat dinner they don’t leave any crumbs under the table.
Some people wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look trendy. I wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look homeless.
I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.
“What if I tried to put a ball somewhere and you tried to stop me”
-guy who invented sports
Wife [interrogating]: How long have we been married dear?
Me: How dare you try and sneak maths into this.
The acute panic of my child going to hunt for batteries in my bedroom.
All cats can totally do taxes, they just won’t.
Melons are like: You have no way of knowing how I am on the inside. Take me home, honey. Buy me
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
You smell of bins.