We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”
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I’ll never forget my grandad’s last words on his deathbed.
He said: “I should never have bought this deathbed. Asking for trouble…”
*reads an article on a subject I know* This is bullshit
*reads an article on a subject I don’t know* If it’s published it must be accurate
teachers: it’s the 100th day celebration
me: oh wow, alread-
teachers: your kid has to bring something in
me: oh ok, sure what shou-
teachers: 100 somethings
cant believe language was invented. like everyone was chill and quiet and then one day someone just started saying some shit
I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office. Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.
Just when I thought I had my life together. I found my missing shoe in the microwave.
[titanic, 1912]
Captain: what kind of lettuce do u want on your sandwich
First mate: ICEBERG
Captain: lol no need to shout, Dave
I’m going to write a book about all the things I should have done with my life.
l’ll call it my oughtabiography
[buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?
Air conditioners are just human refrigerators
Jennifer Aniston is always cast in the same role because she’s a victim of Rachel profiling.
[My relationship with TV]
There’s nothing on.
*watches nothing for the next six hours.
Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?
Drops a case of canned beer down the steps before bringing them to your BBQ
“Oh man, you’ve got stretched lobes and piercings? I’ve got stretched lobes and piercings, too!”
“Sweet! We should hang out!”
– Ear buds
Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?
Me: You sound like my wife.
Kids have it rough these days. Alexa wasn’t responding to my son , so he had to change the volume on his commercial-free, on-demand show by physically pressing buttons on the remote control.
Bro: Dude, is this YOUR Shakira CD???
Me: What? No….it’s my wife’s…..
Hips: No…. It’s his…
Me: Shut up Hips!
Went to a humanist wedding a few weeks ago. One of the lovely things was the rings being passed round during the ceremony, allowing us all to make a wish for the couple as we held them. After, asked my son what he’d wished for. He replied, “I misunderstood & wished for a puppy.”
There are two versions of every story and the drunk one is usually the better one
Why are there never any cool side affects from drugs?
Like “this drug may cause severe sexiness”
coworker: [talking about having children]
me: aww man I can’t have children
coworker: why
me: because I hate them
I found an old avocado under the seat of my truck yesterday. It was guacamoldy.
I bet before the band got popular, Barenaked Ladies concerts had a lot of pissed off attendees.
“I don’t want to see the movie until I read the book first” is why I’ve never watched a movie in my life
My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.
Because Canadian.
Surgeon: scalpel.
[patient hands him scalpel]
Surgeon: oh shit! Lol. You’re supposed to be asleep.
“Plagiarism Squad reporting for duty.” / “Copy that.”
My boyfriend thinks I ask “dumb questions” like “would you love me if I were a worm” and then turns around and asks me shit like do I think it would be funny if he started doing Patrick Bateman’s care routine as a bit
Last night I couldn’t sleep at all, just lying wide awake
“Oh, insomnia?”
No, in bed you idiot. Where the hell is Somnia?