Dating is easy. You just *goes into fetal position*
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this kid says there was a weird sweaty man in the ball pit but I was in there and didn’t see him
I get more offended when my dog doesn’t say hi when I get home than if my kids don’t acknowledge my presence.
Priest: I now pronounce you man and wife
Me: why? “you” has literally none of those sounds
My bride: I changed my mind I want a divorce
Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.
Husband: [turns car on, explicit 90s hip-hop blares] Wow, this is what you listen to with the kids?
Me: No, I put it on after I drop them off [changes stations]
6YO: Hey! Go back that’s my favorite!
My wife just pulled me into the other room and I thought she wanted to have a serious talk but she just wanted to give me m&m’s without the kids seeing.
Cyberman: I am allergic to gold.
Elf: I’m allergic to iron.
Cyberman: I’m made of iron.
Elf: I can make gold appear at my fingertips.
Cyberman:
Elf:
Cyberman: We should probably stop seeing each other.
Gemma Correll
i order my girl scout cookies from several different girl scouts so nobody has a full count of the boxes i’ve eaten i don’t have time for that negativity it’s cookie season goddammit
2008: I want a career where I change the world
2012: It’d be great to make decent money doing something I’m proud of
2018: crying in my cube 4x a week is ONLY acceptable if I make enough money to afford tissues
My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!!
PLEASE do not tell my husband
When I was a kid, I used to flip my bike upside down and turn the pedals with my hands pretending it was an ice cream making machine. And that’s all you need to know about before online times.
I buy blocks of cheese.
For the grater good.
Everyone on twitter is single, pretending to be single, or about to be single
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
May he without sin cast the first stone
[Everybody picks up rocks]
Sharing Netflix passwords counts as sin
[Everybody puts rocks back down]
[shapes strands of hair from the drain to form a love letter on the shower wall]
stop slamming the toilet seat in the middle of the night or I will murder you
ME (wearing Tommy Hilfiger): ready to go?
GF: not until u put on something less hideous
TOMMY HILFIGER (climbs off me): that was unnecessary
I my rage I texted my friend “I made some strawberry ganache for you and I now I am never going to give it you”.
We made up later and long story short I need to learn how to make ganache.
Yes I’m doing it wrong but I’m doing it wrong in the right way.
Jeez, you do a Satanic voice into a baby monitor one time and your neighbors never invite you over again.
Narcissist: I am God!
Nietzsche: I have some bad news for you.
“I need a car. What do you have?”
“Well, we have a Subaru Outback”
“But what kind of Subaru?”
“Outback”
“I don’t CARE where you keep it…”
Me: first, I wish for you to not judge me
Genie: okay
Me: second, I wish Disney would make another Tarzan sequel
Genie: k…
Me: third, I wish we were at McDonald’s
[McDonald’s]
Me: we’ll have 2 Tarzan Banana McFlurrys please 🙂
Genie: *trying so hard to not look pissed*
“Yay, outdoor soccer in the rain”
– said no mom, ever
My financial situation is so bad, I’M being sponsored by a child in Africa
do you guys realize there’s a planet in our solar system entirely inhabited by robots
if your newborn baby has a full head of hair that means it is a business baby and is ready to enter the world of finance
I’d date me.
But mainly because I put out.
doctor: I’m going to take out your appendix
me: oh okay *shouts at my belly* YOU HAVE A SUITOR