Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
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Decided to stop saying “please subscribe” in my videos and it’s working. No new subscribers.
*first day as zookeeper
(letting animals out) “Go, mingle.”
Me: alright early to bed
Brain: nice
Me: need a good night sleep
Brain: rest is important
Me: don’t go saying shit to keep me awake all night
Brain: I won’t
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: you still awake?
Brain: my guy if you’re awake I’m awake we been thru this
“You haven’t changed since college” isn’t necessarily a compliment, it could mean that you looked 40 when you were 20. Have a great day!
When your friend wants to do a drive by but none of us can see that good at night anymore.
Once a lap dog, always a lap dog
If your name is Marco and you were in the dentist office waiting room this morning, just wanted to apologize for my three teenage daughters yelling, ‘Polo’ in unison after they called your name.
the worst kind of twitter bio is something like “katie’s husband. father to jenny” i don’t know who that is, dip shit
The “Allosaurus you can eat” buffet was very popular with Jurassic Park visitors. After the fences failed it was also popular with the Allosaurus.
genie: you have 3 wishes
cat: i want to go out
genie: ok
cat: and back in again
genie: done
cat: and back out again
genie: ffs
The older I get, the more I lose my looks. But I’m also losing my eyesight, so it’s not my problem
[1st date]
Her: So, were you born here?
Me: [an idiot] In this restaurant? No. I was born in a hospital.
My wife let me remove all her clothes last night.
From the dryer.
mom: why didn’t you answer your phone?
me: i was driving
mom: where are you now?
me: walking the dog
mom: you need better excuses
me: it’s the truth
mom: then put the dog on
me: he’s uh driving
building forts as fast as I can but I’m running out of pillows
My favorite childhood memory is not having a job.
A collection of me turning into random objects.
Wife: I don’t feel like he makes our relationship a priority
Marriage counselor: would you like to respond?
Me: *just absolutely going to town on a calzone*
genie: hello-
me: i wish for a goth figure skater to get into the olympics and do a routine to welcome to the black parade
You’re born, you grow up, have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive, you die, your kids have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive……
Went into a massage parlor & asked for the happy ending, now I’m tucked into bed with a Korean woman reading me Cinderella.
If you bring back your paper bags at Whole Foods, they’ll give a refund of 5 cents. After a year you’ll have enough money to buy an orange.
Looks like someone’s thrown Yoda through a window.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later.
I made some fish tacos last night.
the ingrates just ignored them and swam away
I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.
Hey, did you know that if you leave clean clothes on the floor for long enough they become dirty clothes?
I bet someone said “Do what makes you happy” to Hitler too.
My childhood imaginary friends grew up to become groupies for my very successful air guitar trio.