Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.
You Might Also Like
I asked my niece if she had a newspaper.
She told me newspapers are old school.
She said everyone uses tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.
That fly never stood a chance.
Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD.
We’re looking for someone to eat macaroni and cheese at the end of our bed while we have sex. No weirdos please.
Me *laying on my couch, flipping through health magazines*, “bet these workouts are a piece of cake.”
After my third trip to the grocery store to buy ingredients for our ice cream maker it hit me — they sell ice cream at the grocery store.
i’m stubborn like an old person & stupid like a young person & have the good qualities of neither
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: so what exactly did the “shapeshifter” look like?
[the easel makes a throat-slitting gesture]
ME: …I dont remember
“And the award for best empty chasm goes to…Howling Void!”
HOWLING VOID: [howling]
Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date’s white cat?!
me: i wish for good health, to be rich, and finally….for your freedom
therapist: once again i am not a genie but you being here is starting to make more sense
I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.
My daughter just watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth later ?
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you like me
Cop: omg shut up I do not
Yes, I have a fitness app. I use it to time how long it takes the pizza delivery guy to get here.
I don’t need to read the room I already know how it ends
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed everyone in Chernobyl?
I’d prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x
[creating flamingos]
god: here’s your legs
flamingo: can I just have 1
god: no u have to use 2
flamingo: [narrows eyes & sucks teeth] we’ll see about that
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
[1st day as lifeguard]
Guy: there’s someone drowning in the water
Me [not looking up from phone]: well it’d be hard to drown in the sand
‘Did you hear, Tim died.’
Oh no, was it serious?
Once again I find myself online shopping for a velvet cloak at 4am. But fear not, me. one day you will be online shopping for something else at 4am whilst wearing a beautiful velvet cloak.
Wife: Have you seen my razor?
Me: [with only one eyebrow] I have not
Piss someone off by calling their dojo a karate store.
If you’re in a wheelchair and you say your date stood you up, it’s unclear to me whether your night was lousy or remarkable.
Everyone fondly remembers the ’80s until you take away their cell phones.
Dang you got a good deal on your tattoo and the squirrel’s so realistic. What? A portrait of your Mom? Dude I wish my Mom was a squirrel.
after i eat lunch there’s a 1-hour window where you can convert me to any religion
My grandma got this digital frame that all the family can remotely upload pics. I’m thinking of flooding it with John Wick pictures.