I’m so committed to pizza that I’ve stopped wearing a condom when I eat it.
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You: make yourself at home
Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*
If white men can’t jump, how do you explain Super Mario?
do what now??
me: you know what, make it a double
proctologist: what?
I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.
For those of you worried about AI, I think we’ve got a few more years before Skynet is an issue.
If “she’ll be riding six white horses when she comes”, she’s probably a little more woman than I can handle.
learn to swear in every language by watching the world cup at your local bar
I always regret making a good first impression because there is no way I can keep that shit up.
I put my height in my tinder bio and 6 men unmatched with me…..i’m gonna break into y’alls houses and put all the remotes on top of the fridge
Personal Trainer: Do you run?
Me: Only into people and places I’d rather not be.
[Shopping for Deodorant]
I’m gonna get the same kind I always do, but I better sniff it first to make sure I still like it.
Me, trying to flirt with the Mormon missionary at my door:
No sir, have YOU heard the Good News? IT’S THAT I’M SINGLE.
Son: Your makeup looks weird
Me: I’m not wearing any
Things we didnt do
-Start the fire
-Shoot the deputyThings we did do
-Tried to fight it
-Shot the Sheriff
-Built this city on Rock and RollThings we will do
-Survive
-Rock YouThings we wont do
-Get fooled again
-Back Down
-That
-Give You Up
-Let you down
-Desert you
Airlines texting me “we in this together” emails but when my bag was 35kg I was on my own.
You have to kiss a lot of short, black, flamboyant musicians before you can find your Prince.
Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers
*pulls up to drive thru window
Hi yes, do you guys deliver?
I always assume people with red cars were drunk when they went to the dealership.
“Careful, there’s poop on the dance floor.” – how ballet was invented.
Man: *shaking collection tin* please sir, for alcoholics
Me: *taking the tin* wow, that’sh sho kind, thankshh!
Today’s weather from Yorkshire
[crime scene]
*detective snaps pics of murder victim*
Corpse: delete it
My face when someone is offended by something super offensive I said to them:
[Before people were invented]
THE EARTH: This is nice
Any dinner can be a murder mystery dinner if you’re ambitious enough.
When I’m guilted into going to a dinner party I didn’t want to, I like to sneak off into the kitchen and slip a few small pieces of LEGO into the pepper grinder that’ll be used at the table. That way dinner is colourful and festive.
Dance like nobody’s watching except God, the NSA, and Santa Claus.