throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..
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Delightful if true: booby trap.
GUY WHO INVENTED JACK-O-LANTERNS: I bet this gourd would be cooler if it looked like it wanted to murder me.
emails from companies that start with stuff like “only nine weeks left to…” who are these for? who has their life together enough to act that far in advance. I don’t know what I’m wearing to work in ten minutes.
Father: I love both my sons equally.
Max: I know that, dad.
Min: I have my doubts.
How much chocolate is too much chocolate before it is technically no longer a salad?
if I were Sleeping Beauty I would have killed the prince who woke me up
Me: Now remember, just let me do all the talking.
Wife:
Marriage counselor:
Me: I think we’ve made a lot of progress here today.
if you jumped out of a plane would you rather have a parachute or the knowledge of how to make a parachute? most people would say parachute. and that’s why most people never start a successful business
Don’t forget if you’re a member of the Tautology Society, we’ve got our annual AGM meeting tonight.
When a waiter sees my disability and asks the person I’m with what I want to eat, I respond “Our telepathy is a bit off. You should ask me.”
Thinking about how if early humans had obituaries how many of them would just read, “He tried a new kinda berry.”
Voicemails that say check your email is why I prefer animals.
The new options on Facebook look like the life cycle of every relationship I’ve ever had
I’m worried my dog will never find out who’s a good boy.
Ever look up at a star and wonder if someone else in the world is outside, staring at that same star while waiting for their french bread pizza to cook?
Allow me to play for you the song of my people
*Sound of chip bag opening*
Kids these days have no idea how rough we had it at their age… I used to have to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change a 3 channel TV 📺
Sees Sasquatch’s foot impression in the ground.
Grand Duke: I’d hate to see the creature that’s attached to.
Prince Charming clutching huge glass slipper: crap
My hair has officially hit “accidentally dip in salad dressing” length.
Ask me how I know.
[Family BBQ]
Ken: Doing this in Australia was a good idea!
Barbie: Please stop throwing shrimp at me.
Fun game: Order food to be delivered to your mobile home and then lead the delivery driver on a high-speed chase through town.
[WOLF CUB] Dad, why do we howl at the moon?
[WOLF DAD] Well son, the moon is made of cheese and that’s rad as hell
I want a Viking funeral when I die…complete with sticks, marshmallows and chocolate for the attendees.
What? I’m sure that’s traditional.
SPOUSE: No.
ME: It’s just a costume.
SPOUSE: You’re not going to your parents’ Halloween party as “the child they wished they had.”
Me: *sings bedtime song*
4: I like that song
Me: *Sing song again*
4: I didn’t say I wanted it again
Me: *Stops singing song*
4: Why did you stop singing
Me: *Hands child to her dad and schedules emergency therapy session*
I don’t sign anything if they don’t give me time to pretend to read it first.
God: “MOSES. THIS IS THE LORD. I HAVE NEWS FOR YOUR PEOPLE.”
Moses: “New burning bush. Who dis?”
Bartender: I’m cutting you off. only water from now on
Jesus: [sarcastically] oh no
[wife drops me at the airport]
Wife: have a safe flight
Me: I have no say in the matter
Wife [already driving off]: die then
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”