I called my son’s school to see if they would take him a week early and apparently they “don’t do that” and I “need to stop calling.”
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Full confession: I’ve begun taking an hour a week to destress by soaking in tub with bath salts while listening to classical music.
And it would work if that little voice in my head wouldn’t say each time, “This is the exact setup in a movie where someone is violently murdered.”
You don’t know humility until your Ouija board gets snippy with you.
I’ve found that Tupperware is a lot cheaper if you buy the ones that come filled with ice cream.
I’d joined kids karate to crush them; I hadn’t thought of their strength in numbers. They were piling on like Gremlins. This was happening.
I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.
grandpa: what do u call a dog in alaska
me: grandpa, no
grandpa: WHAT DO U CALL A DOG IN ALASKA
me: grandpa please
grandpa: A CHILI DOG
me: grandpa, I-
grandpa: WRITE THAT ON YOUR TWEETER
I’m only seeing the new Jurassic Park if the dinosaurs aren’t a metaphor for anything. Don’t want to look at a stegosaurus and have to think about neoliberalism or the modern surveillance state
Me: Do you want to hit the steam room after this?
Leonard the shrimp I work out with: *aggressive shrimp noises*
Me: Christ, it’s a joke Leonard. Calm down.
respect
trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here?
me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training
Bad news: With the stock market in a nosedive, I’ve had to increase my retirement age.
Good news: I’m going to live to 157.
Nobody is looking…here’s my chance…😂😏🐶
so no-one told you life was gonna be this way *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot*
Her: (emerges from the sea, beach waves glistening in the sunshine)
Me: (washes ashore topless looking like Sigmund the Sea Monster)
5: Daddy, can I help?
Me: No, sorry. This is a tough job
5: [robot voice] I. am. a. ro-bot.
I. will. com-plete. the. work. of. 10. men.Me: [handing over tools]
I put in an order at a deli. The woman helping me had a name tag that said “Kate.” While she was getting my food, another employee bumped into her. I said “Be careful. She’s very Deli Kate.”
They stared at me like I’d grown a second head. Well I thought it was funny…
Am I supposed to know my own blood type? I don’t even know what types of blood there are
The only occasions in which I will run:
– Zombie apocalypse
– Salma Hayek is handing out all-you-can-eat baby back ribs
me: your wife’s surgery was a success
him: great. *pulls me aside* so how long until we can have sex?
me: *shrug* I’m free whenever
The internet is cool because you can make a joke about cannibalism being bad and someone will respond with, “Actually, it’s racist NOT to eat people.” And you’re 95% sure he’s just the dumbest person alive but you still have to google for 20 minutes to make sure you’re not racist
What’s the fetish called when you can only get off if Gordon Ramsey is yelling at you that your risotto is garbage?
On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
I’m not a god.
I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.
There’s a difference.
The @NewYorker buying Twitter ads to promote its article about how Twitter is dying kind of undercuts the thesis
I like to impress a first date by pulling never ending toilet paper out of my bra like a magician.
What’s a second date like?
technically you can breathe anything just not very long for some things
Nice Confederate flag bro, way to commemorate coming in second place in a civil war.
It’s brave, unless you fail. Then it’s just stupid.
I don’t watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.