Me: Why does the neighbor always watch me while I’m gardening?
Her: He’s a paramedic.
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I know it might seem cruel, but unless you’ve lived through the horror of a sheep infestation, you couldn’t possibly understand.
Which is worse: that I had to wear a Frozen bandaid cuz all the regular ones were taken or that I spent 5 min. deciding between Anna & Elsa?
[summoning my first demon]
ME: Sorry everybody. Sorry. That’s my fault. We’ll try it again next week.
MATT DAMON: Can someone call me an Uber?
Anytime a young person makes me watch a Tik Tok I don’t like, I make them watch a full season of Frasier on DVD
Wife: Good morning handsome
Me: Hi
Wife: How about you relax, I make us some coffee, and then I… do things to you
Me: *as wife leaves* Wow is this a dream?
Wife: *from the other room* Never mind, the kid threw his shit on the wall again
Me: There it is
People are all wanting a Morgan Freeman voiceover on their GPS. And I’m over here wanting Donald Duck.
7:00AM – I am NOT going to lose my shit & yell at the kids today.
7:15AM – Dammit.
When someone asks for advice about dumping their partner, they don’t mean in the woods.
I know that now.
Watching Jeopardy backwards would be about a panel of 3 people asking Alex Trebek questions that he always gets right.
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come my ancestors are calling me towards this really bright light because i ate some clams i found in the denny’s parking lot?
Kinda weird, but my gynecologist was still wearing eclipse glasses during my pelvic exam.
You don’t scare me. You’re not an undetectable patch of ice on a 70 mph expressway.
CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.
Me: Gross.
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
One time getting ready to go out to eat my dad told me not to wear jeans with any holes in them and I immediately responded by asking how I was going to put my feet in them and he seriously had a tear build up in one eye.
Don’t worry, Donald Trump will declare bankruptcy and start a new country.
*House Hunters
“Greg and Tina have been looking for months. She needs a house that ‘flows,’ and now he longs for the sweet relief of death. Can they both get what they want?”
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care of most
batman [clenching fist]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
Normal Person: *has a bad dream, says “that was weird haha” and goes on with day*
Me: *has a bad dream, thinks of ways to make it into an unusual, horrifying plot for a novel, then get writer’s block, can’t finish it, and say “that was weird haha” and go on with my day*
COP: Know why I stopped you?
MAN IN A RESTAURANT EATING FRIED CHICKEN: Huh?
COP: You’re using a knife and fork. Step away from the chicken
Doctor: you’re never too old to start exercising
Me: cool thanks i’ll start in maybe like 15 years then
Thinking of leaving a fake bloody arm inside the blood pressure machine at this CVS pharmacy.
A recent medical study shows that women who carry a little extra weight generally live longer than the men in their lives who mention it.
Please don’t ruin Breaking Bad for me… I’m only at the part where A texts Aria, Spencer, Hanna and Emily
3 years ago I trained 6 days a week & ran a 5K. Now I run my mouth 6 days a week telling the pizza delivery guy how I ran a 5K 3 years ago.
I’m using my husband’s phone today because mine is broken and he has his font so small I think only ants can read it.
this post was so formative to me
Cop leans over body:
Looks like *removes shades* cement poisoning
Or a case *removes mustache* of gravity
Or *removes teeth* aaah gaah bwaa
Me [at the stove for 14 hours]: well it’s true, a watched pot never boils
Wife: you’re supposed to put water in it