I like to pack a healthy lunch for work so that by 3 p.m. I’m ready to do unspeakable things for a piece of chocolate.
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Him: 🎶 In the jungle the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight. 🎶
Her: Please don’t sing to it when you are down there
terminator extends hand: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: i said come with me if
me: i heard you the first time
What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)
I’m trying to teach my toddler how to headbang but he’s pissed because he wants a bottle. I told him to save that anger for the mosh pit.
It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible
Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.
I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…
I’ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn’t just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.
Gave a stranger my home address to pick something up that I’m selling online so looks like I’m getting dismembered for Christmas.
So glad we cleared that up
My kids both made it into college despite the fact I helped them with their math homework.
“Please let go of my hair”
-my gynaecologist
Scott Baio: i’m Scott Baio and i endorse Donald Trump
Trump: who the hell is Scott Baio
Scott Baio: you know, Chachi
Trump: say Chachi then
Play Nickleback during my funeral. Because I want everyone who attends to really cry.
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me: I once asked a man why he was in a wheelchair. Now here I am.
Couldn’t finish the London Marathon. Gutted. Tried my absolute best. Just too tired. Maybe I’ll manage it next year.
Have put a film on instead.
My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody…
I am a genie. I grant you three wi—
Me: ONE GOOD TWEET!!
My 17yo son made me do 40 seconds of star jumps in the garden to help me ‘keep fit’.
In return I made him no dinner to help him ‘keep slim’.
You are what you eat?
*eats Natalie Portman*
Neighbor’s garden looking so good, I have peonies envy.
Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.
“losing/taking virginity”
– turns sex into an object
– places pressure on the decision
– you don’t actually lose or take anything ?“sexual debut”
– exciting
– all focus is on u
– suggests a musical number is involved
[Every restaurant ever]
Manager: “Has he got a mouthful of food?”
Waiter: “Yes.”
Manager: “Go and ask him how his meal is.”
I like my sentences like I like my women: awkward but with good colon usage and regular periods.
give me a pen that doesnt look like a flower before i kill myself, Sheryl.
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: then can I give some feedback?
me: I told you no
Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.
Unlike the sons, the Mumford daughters all married at young ages just for the chance to change their names and hide their unfortunate family history of angry banjo playing.
Hubby got all smug when our son asked him for girl advice so I confirmed that if he wants to bag a girl like me then daddy’s the man for the job and shut that shit down