Dad: No wonder your Twitter account wasn’t hacked
Me: You weren’t worried?
Dad: Not at all, you’re not nearly interesting enough for the hackers
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the best part about being a parent is explaining normal human behaviours to the small feral people, my favourite of which has been “we don’t pee our pants on purpose when we are mad”
I’ve got something stuck in my tooth, but instead of flossing I think I will just drive myself nuts all day by trying and failing to get it out with my tongue.
Shout out to the top 5 ain’ts in the world, no mountain high enough, no valley low enough, too proud to beg, no sunshine when she’s gone and afraid of no ghosts.
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
People who bend down to pick up a thread instead of running over it with the vacuum 37 times, what’s it like to exercise?
I made the cats a very scary jack o’lantern with a vacuum cleaner on it.
(Sigh)
I used to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.
Now I sleep like a bear and eat like a horse…
I just passed the cutest kitten.
It was much easier than swallowing it.
The first Roman soldier to be paid in salt: “Seems legit”
Someone is at work raving about how good her tofu meatloaf was that she served for dinner.
I’ma tell you now, you serve me tofu anything, and I will consider it an at of war.
Jeff is here!
“Jeff from work or Jeff the guy who announces his arrival anytime he enters a room”
Jeff is here!
I just slipped on a banana peel.
It didn’t fit.
Hubby got all smug when our son asked him for girl advice so I confirmed that if he wants to bag a girl like me then daddy’s the man for the job and shut that shit down
[Watching halftime show]
ME: I hope I look as good as Jlo when I’m 50.GIRLFRIEND: You don’t look that good now.
ME: Yeah I’m not 50 yet.
It should be a rule that if you’re going to put you kid on a leash, you can’t be mad if someone walks up, asks if they bite, and pets them
evening walk in the woods with the grandkids…
Them: Pappy it’s really dark. We’re scared.
Me: You’re scared? I’m the one who has to walk home alone.
my favorite hobby is reading a book by a fireplace in a cabin in the woods. in other words, my favorite hobby is being threatening to trees
my girlfriend was cold so i bought her a fur coat. #Snowmageddon2015
Every time I think I’m failing as a parent my daughters are there to agree.
5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope
[creating eyelashes]
God: Give them a row of stiff hairs to protect their eyes.
Angel: Alright.
God: But make the hairs occasionally turn traitor and try to destroy the very thing they’re supposed to protect.
Angel: Dude, wtf is wrong with you?
Me: I’m older and wider
Them: don’t you mean “wiser”
Me: nope
Need to get rid of an annoying guest or person on the phone? Take a kazoo to the speaker and blow it directly into their ear.
You’re welcome.
*extreme announcer voice* Next up on Jesus The Real Truth: Was it crucifact or crucifiction
If you are between 8 -16 years old and not whiskey, you are annoying.
When she checks her bank statement and go “what are these PlayStation Network charges”
My kid: You know what I’m thinking??
Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?
Why stop at weighted blankets? Put a boulder on me.
Don’t tell me how to lift my baby
one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere