Omg. Why do I always look terrible when I leave the house.
*stays in bed until 4 minutes before I’m supposed to leave*
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My dad shouted “shut up idiots” to the cats.
I told him “You’re speaking English to a cat. You’re the idiot. You have to meow at them.”
When you put :/ at the end of your text I know you had a terrible stroke and call 911.
Pretty certain that wife and I would win the gold in the Olympic event of rage loading the dishwasher
Thought I had outsmarted my kid and his friend by telling them the baby monitor was a walkie talkie so I could keep an ear on them… and then the snack requests started.
saw some family i haven’t seen in 30 yrs & now i’m good for another 30 yrs
I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.
[robber pulls gun]
ME: take my money but please don’t hurt me i’m an only child
MY DAD: [yelling from the car] he’s lying he has a brother
9-year-old: Sorry I stayed up past my bedtime last night.
Me: You stayed up past your bedtime?
9: No.
I hate it when I have to go pee at someone else’s house but there’s no toilet paper, so I’m forced to use the hand towel hanging so festively above the sink.
The Hobbit 4:
Bilbo’s relatives auction off his stuff
Bilbo puts on his ring
One by one, his relatives die under mysterious circumstances
*opens briefcase and presentation about 9/11 conspiracies falls out*
But that means
[cut to my son giving presentation about cool dinosaurs]
“Why KFC calling you at 1:36am?
LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.
L-O-L!
Want to send a 4-year-old boy into a blind rage? Repeatedly tell him he’s wrong and you are positive their names are “Batman and Robert”.
I need to be locked up… in an ice cream factory.
How dare my wife accuse me of not helping her at home when I washed the dishes without her asking, just 6 months ago.
Kermit goes Blue.
My child had pancakes and syrup for breakfast so I guess I’ll be sticking to my furniture for the next week
“What do you mean “He used his mind?”
“I mean he never touched the gates. He destroyed them with his mind!”
“Oh my god…we’ve got a mad telekinetic duck on our hands. Get me the president!”
Dorothy: We have to see the wonderful Wizard of Oz
Toto: OK but I wouldn’t make a song and dance about it
Dorothy: [inhaling]
Toto: FFS
No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.
Mmmm canned fish.
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
Donald Trump was born when someone put a pinkie ring in a bag of Cheetos and left it in a lightning storm.
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
A Nigerian prince needs my help #BadReasonsForALoan
I don’t get it. Rock beats scissors but no one says shit about running with them.
The number of supermarket loyalty cards I have suggests I am anything but.