Sorry I disappeared from our zoom
I fell off my chair trying to shake a spider off my shoe
You Might Also Like
Tried sneaking downstairs to get a beer but at my age it’s like walking thru a forest covered in dry twigs.
Her: I live in Wales.
Me: like Jonah
Cancelling plans is okay. Having your friend over even though he insulted you is okay. Taking him to your wine cellar to show him your rare Amontadillo is okay. Sealing him in with bricks and entombing him alive is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
Thanksgiving and Christmas should be six months apart. Absurd to see those people again so soon. Insane.
PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.
How to be a politician 101:
Answer all yes/no questions with the words “Well, look” and then answer a completely different question.
A small toddler is the closest thing you can have to a Pokémon. It follows you around, you love it dearly, no one else can understand what it’s saying, and it is obedient only when it wants to be. The main difference is that training it to fight other toddlers is frowned upon
My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.
Cardinal: Ordinations are down
Pope: Maybe a recruiting poster?
C: Slogan?
P: “We separate the men from the boys!”
C: Um… Any other ideas?
“Sorry I’m late”
Why are there scratches all over your face?
“Jujitsu training”
You can scratch in jujitsu?
“It’s my cat’s best move”
*catches up to jogger while wearing the same outfit*
good luck shaking the police off loser
*sprints ahead while sirens can be heard*
6-year-old: You lose.
Me: I didn’t know we were playing anything.
6: That was your first mistake.
{God Creating Humans}
Shave that monkey and make it complain about everything.
no refunds
Got caught by three red lights on my way home and now my avocados are bad
You, dumb: Can I ask you a question?
Me, brilliant linguist: That’s literally the only type of thing you can ask
ME: The kids have ruined their shoes
WIFE: Again? [sighs] Just throw them out[Later]
ME: Stop crying kids, your mum says you have to leave
tv host: and you’re all going home with a copy of his new book!
me: pfft i am NOT learning to read for that guy
I like to sing Mambo No. 5 but replace the names of the women with various types of cheese.
My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.
I bought black-out curtains on Amazon Prime day. It’s noon and my husband is still asleep.
So either he’s dead or they really work. 10/10
Not to brag but I’ll inherit 17 bottles of Old Spice when my dad dies.
But have you tried acting like a cicada and screaming nonstop until someone has sex with you?
I read all your bumper stickers and now we’re both stupid.
A person on this website accused me of writing “a thousand bad jokes” and I was like wow that’s a weird way to say you like 7000 of my jokes
I’ll believe corporations are people when conservatives ban them from marrying each other.
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
Me: [puts dog food into dish]
My dog: eh I’m not hungry
[1 minute later]
Me: [opens package of cheese]
My dog: oh great I’m STARVING
Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,
It’s not going to cost ME anything.