I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
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Sorry your team lost. Maybe you should’ve told the players what to do more loudly from your recliner.
Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Moff Tarkin: Someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
Some of you take selfies from so close up, I’m beginning to wonder if you’re a T-Rex.
Thursday
Day 2 of being Kidnapped.
Kidnappers have now committed suicide.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a dietician.
Me: Fascinating. There are so many ways to die, right?
Calm down ‘Fitbit’ joggers. I can drink one 5-Hour Energy and reach my target heart rate without even getting off my couch
One time I drove to the gym and just sat in the car and listened to music. My gym is right next to a bakery and the smell of it lured me out and I went in and got a buttered bagel. I sat in my car eating my bagel watching people go in and out of the gym.
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but i don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
Handing out one tic tac each this Halloween so that children can learn that life is full of little disapointments
Just Friends is my favorite movie that shows fat guys how to get out of the friendzone through perseverance and becoming Ryan Reynolds.
Dads are proud of horror movie characters never turning the lights on
Hasbulla scolds a kid for pinching his cheek 😭😭😭
Whenever I select next-day delivery for an online purchase, I imagine someone, somewhere, yells CRAP really loud then people scurry like mad
Q. Where did Capt. Hook buy his prosthesis?
A. At a secondhand store.
How to resolve a complaint from neighbours
Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor room😏
GUY: *cuts me off in traffic
ME: *eating cereal* YOU SIR, SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED DRIVE A CAR!!
*angrily waves spoon
Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.
I hate when people call and say they’re 10 minutes away for a “drop-by surprise visit” and I have to set fire to my house.
Interviewer: your resume says you’re an excellent waiter
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: holy shit you’re hired
Researcher: By 2030, life expectancy is predicted to increase globally by 6 years.
Southerner: [pouring mac and cheese into deep fryer] No.
“Your panties are so cute!! Let’s show everyone in the parking lot!!”
– The wind, apparently.
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I hate how survivors leave the zombies they kill wherever they fall.
I’m not sentimental.
I’m just sick of tripping over them.
Your baby’s got pink eye, bronchitis AND a double ear infection?
Are you even trying to keep him alive?
If only we’d had some kind of warning that a pandemic would pandemic.
interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbookinterviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?me:
that’s not what i said
The best way to stop uninvited guests from stopping by your home is to always answer the door naked.