Construction sites are dangerous places. I nearly blacked out holding in my stomach as I walked past one.
You Might Also Like
[breaking up with a guy]
Me: It’s not you, it’s me. I’m much, much smarter and cooler than you are.
Her: I want you to choke me daddy
Me: *throws whole grapes into her mouth
I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one
I’m always Beware #MakesMeCautious
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.
All 3 kids need braces so I explained to them that they will have beautiful teeth but no further education.
The plot thickens.
Mostly because my grave digger had no idea just how fat I was.
[Man starts having a heart attack on a United flight]
Attendant: “Is there a doctor on board?”
Ian: “I’m a-”
*gets dragged off the flight*
Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.
My parents were going to name me after the city I was conceived in but neither of them knew how to spell Albuquerque.
year 39, month 3: woke up a sentient tangle of meat and calcium again
Server: would you like some freshly grated Parmesan?
Me: yes, please! *opens purse*
My father still likes to tell the story about the argument he won with my mother in 1971.
Every time my husband pisses me off, I sprinkle sugar on his deodorant so he’s wondering all day why his armpit hair is so sticky.
The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.
I feel like Indiana Jones every time I go looking for keys in my purse.
Cat: I am a MAJESTIC POWERFUL creature of the night
Me: I will call you Mr Fuzzypants
Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00
@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!
My toddler is asking all her friends if they like cake. If they say yes, she takes them off her birthday party invite list because she doesn’t want to share her cake. I’m torn between extreme pride and anger that I never thought of this myself
It took 14 years, but 14’s feet finally stopped growing and now I’m rolling in so much shoe money.
Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.
cat owners seriously come into work covered in scratches like “he’s just playful” no ma’am you’re in love with a wildebeest
Make your salad taste better by putting it between bread, meat, cheese, and Big Mac sauce.
what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell
Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.
I’m sorry, you’ll have to repeat that. I’m not fluent in nonsense.
No one is more ambitious than a mom with a single day off.
Signed up for the gym because I heard about leg day and hoped I’d pick up a new leg. But all that happened was that it made my remaining leg ache for two days.
[pretend restaurant]
4-year-old: what do you want ?
me: pizza
4: we don’t have pizza
me: what do you have?
4: nothing
me: I’ll have nothing
4: we don’t have that
me: *throws table* this is bullshit!