You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
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Dance like nobody’s watching. Sing like nobody’s listening. Walk around the party eating the cheeseball like an apple.
I finally feel peaceful and my mind is quiet.
Universe: Have her ex from 15 years ago contact her out of the blue and apologize for things she’d forgotten.
Husband: Wow! The house looks amazing. We should invite ppl over more often so you keep it this clean.
I’m going to need help writing his obituary.
I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.
German chocolate cake is just regular cake that doesn’t talk about the 40’s
Speaking in rhyme seems perfectly natural for a serial killer, but is quite unnerving when my proctologist does it.
My 12yr old just handed me his proofs from picture day but before I could open the envelope he says “First, let me explain”
Shoutout to my dog for ensuring we can enjoy the crunchy, colourful autumn leaves inside the house too
when i was born i was no bigger than a hotdog, and no better. now i am the size of many hotdogs, and just as good
Hurry everyone! While Canada is getting baked out of their mind today, I think we can rush in and take all the maple syrup and free health care we can carry.
Dogs are lucky because no one cares when they bite people who antagonize them. Even after a warning, people still freak out when I do it.
Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.
Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.
I always cry at weddings, but only because being that close to large cakes makes me so happy.
Me: got my food and now I’ll just grab a napkin.
Napkin Dispenser: ok, 38 napkins to you my dude.
Me: no just-just one.
Napkin Dispenser: right, no napkins for you bro.
Me: uh what?
Napkin Dispenser: a bunch of napkins in smallish pieces for my homie.
Pronounces Gene Hackman like Pac-Man and you won’t convince me i’m wrong
Wait you *must* be the aunt I’ve heard soooo much about. The one who looks like Freddie Mercury and laughs like a jackal. Is this her honey?
Sorry I put black eyeliner on your baby, but honestly, look at how edgy it is now.
Dispatcher: 911. What’s your emergency?
Me: Help! I’m being held hostage in a downtown office building!
D: By who?
Me: This really angry man! 1460 Maple Avenue. Please hurry! He’s making me DO THINGS!
D: OK. Please stay on the line.
Me: I can’t. My coffee break’s almost over!
You can see some absolutely disgusting and terrifying things in the subway. I once saw a guy order marinara sauce on his 6” tuna sub.
#If #I’m #not #following #you #back #this #might #be #the #reason.
*Inspirational Tweets*
girls be like “can you get my lip gloss from my purse? just reach in & head left, take a right at the wallet then turn left til you pass 3 nutrigrain bars & take your next right then head straight & it should be there. if you’ve hit the 2007 target receipts you’ve gone too far”
3yo: I hate vegetables!
Me: you know fries are made from a vegetable, right?
3yo: oh, ok, I love fries!
Me: great, here’s your ᶜᵃʳʳᵒᵗ ‘fries’
Just left WalMart. All the cute well behaved kids must be at Target.
Google:
“Never run away from a black bear or approach him. Make yourself look as big as possible.”Me:
*hands bear a magnifying glass*
WIFE: *filing for divorce*
ME: Are you mad at me?
Here’s my thread about the spiders I’ve taken outside
– tonight was Bruce. He was medium sized and fast, but cooperated well 4/5 stars
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
Unless you’re a female bat and you gave birth hanging upside down, I’m not interested in hearing about how your baby was born.
My grandfather came to this country with nothing but the shirt on his back. When he got here, the cops made him put on pants, too.