Hey, remember that person you thought you couldn’t live without? Well look at you, living and shit.
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as if an earthquake wasn’t bad enough, i just found out michael jackson died
Penelope wasn’t really GREAT at hide and seek, but we always appreciated her efforts
My family asked me what I wanted for Mother’s Day, so I packed their bags and changed the locks.
DATE: I’m just looking for someone who goes with the flow, you know? Someone chill.
ME: [has a small panic attack whenever a shop assistant asks if I’m looking for anything in particular] *nods*
Toddler: I want to go to bed with Thor & captain America
Me: me too kid, me too
I hope this email finds you-
Waldo: *slams laptop shut* holy fuck that was close
COP: Can you describe the man who shot you?
ME: He seemed mad
I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?
“Woah woah hey woah”
[me attempting to breakup a fight]
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I’M CHILL AF
Me: Nice abs, bro
Gym bruh: Uh, thanks?
Me: *pulling a sheet cake from my gym bag* Be a shame if something were to happen to them
ME: Wow. This cake you made is really moist.
WIFE: I haven’t baked it yet.
Humans should grow a new set of teeth in our 30s to make-up for all the poor decisions in our 20s.
For the low, low price of a $25 donation, you too can be totally annoyed by me for several days until you pay another $25 for me to shut up.
If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread
WIFE: why is there a chicken wearing glasses in our living room
ME: he’s my new friend
CHICKEN: *pecks at the floor and his glasses fall off*
ME: oh no where did Cluck Kent go
me: if ur soulmate dies before u meet them do u get like a backup soulmate
professor: i meant questions about the midterm
If dogs ever learn to talk I want everyone to keep in mind that mine is a big fat liar.
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: like this 🙏
Me: This Pfizer vaccine made me fat.
Them: You were fat before the vaccine.
Me: It’s made me a time-traveler, too.
I wonder if those folks that wrote “Never change!” in my yearbook regret their choice of words.
Each and every pizza can be a personal pizza if you just believe in yourself and don’t have any friends.
Golf fans be like “what’s your favorite club?”. It’s chicken, my dude, followed by soda
I ordered some stuff online & they tossed a huge pack of bandaids in the box (that I didn’t order) like they’d met me.
*presses lips against mic*
I wished I sanitized this first
My daughter has a middle school government test today. So I figured the best way to help her study was to weave the material into our convo when she complained this am
Excited for Game of Thrones tonight because it’ll be nice to see civilized political discourse for a change.
a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”
Welcome to your 40’s. Each year, you need to hold your phone another inch farther from your face.
*experiences all five stages of grief while the waiter walks by my table with what I thought was my dinner*