I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.
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RETIRED STUNTMAN: We didn’t have fancy CGI. If the script said to drive a truck into a dinosaur, we drove a truck into a goddamn dinosaur.
Seriously guys, people drive like shit when I’m tweeting
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
With the likelihood of insects being a big part of our future diets, it’s only a matter of time before McDonald’s servers are asking if we want flies with that.
My husband is extra efficient.
He leaves cabinets open for next time.
Imagine how much more useful Superman would’ve been if he’d helped people move their heavy furniture instead.
Why are all podcasts “two best friends” I want a podcast that’s Two sworn enemies. Just two bitches that absolutely hate each other
Kids talking at bedtime are like the marketing emails which you’ve unsubscribed to multiple times
My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”
baseball but the field is boobytrapped with hidden trampolines
On my first day of lifeguard duty two people drowned but I won two games of Words with Friends so it was kind of a wash.
Canada’s got it right, when they don’t want a citizen, they just convince them they have talent so they move to the US. #JustinBeiber
People who think that children should be silent don’t realize that a quiet child usually means someone’s getting an unlicensed haircut.
I’m experimenting with how many apples I need to eat a day to keep EVERYONE away, whatever their profession.
Wait for it…😂😂😂😂😂
the human wiped away my eye booger. only to pet it back onto me. i have never experienced such betrayal
me: oh, I have a great ide…
wife: no
Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”
Twitter: lol, you said “came”.
Sorry I didn’t get you an anniversary card, babe, but you opted in to paperless affection on our third date.
My 5 yr old tried to smuggle a baby duck home from the farm.
Like I heard non-human noises from the backseat & had to turn the car around, drive a mile back, & tell the farm people my daughter’s going to rehab for animal trafficking & no, I don’t want to keep a duck for $5.
The calories in food given to you by someone else don’t count, right?
*whips out tampon*
“Now weigh me”
You think you’ve doing an okay job as a parent, and then you learn your 8 year-old has only been pretending to brush his teeth for two months.
My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.
My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support.
When I’m mad at someone I say “no pun intended” when there wasn’t a pun and leave them trying to find it.
Eating fried cheese is the closest i’ve gotten to doing heroin.
Spanish people feed their horses hay, but the naughty ones get George.
ants can carry up to 5000 times their body weight?? pfft. watch this- *goes to stomp an ant but it grabs me & slams me thru a picnic table*