“Speak softly and carry a big stick.” — Teddy Roosevelt
“Yell loudly and talk about the size of your stick.” — Donald Trump
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[Shark Tank]
INVESTOR: So, it’s a bra, with a built in queso holder?
ME: Yep
INVESTOR: And you call it the-
ME: The Bracho, yes
neurosurgeon: *turning my head upside down to shake out a pebble*
Parenting is being woken up at midnight to answer “mumma if sharks don’t have bones how do they have skeletons?”
Comments like this are why we can’t have nice things
Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime; teach a man to catfish and he can trick some perv in Omaha into sending him rent money.
Ever notice that adding “after hours” or “after dark” to anything makes it sexy?
Walmart after hours
Walmart after darkAlmost anything…
By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.
“As per my email…”
Ooh, someone’s absolutely livid.
[cockroach crawls by]
Friend: Did you know that roaches can survive a nuclear war?
*looks down*
*squishes it with shoe*Me: Not that one.
Whenever someone with a bumper sticker cuts me off I automatically dislike the cause they support. Right now I’m not too fond of Literacy
Periods are stupid. Why am I being punished for not being pregnant? Shouldn’t confetti be falling from my uterus?
I would’ve thrown a coin in the water fountain and wished for all the money in it, but I just waited ’til it was dark instead.
After years of music lessons my kid asked me what an F hashtag was so clearly I can stop saving for Juilliard
Familiarity with a stranger might mean they’re an old soul you knew in a former life.
But it’s more likely a sociopath.
~Inspirational
Me: You were supposed to be cleaning up your room before bed.
9: I want a hug
Me: I’ll never say no to hugs, but your timing is very suspicious.
#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.
(seeing your lamp) you have a pet sun! (touching it, it burns) and i see it’s not trained very well 😐
Hello, pest control? Yes, I have these noisy little critters. They got into the snacks, made a mess of the place and keep calling me mom.
[camping]
Him: Did you eat the last s’more?
Me: No.
Him: You’re lying.
Me: How do you know?
Him: Your pants are literally on fire.
Stop asking dumb questions on the internet; ask for money.
You can keep your romantic gestures like holding a boom box over your head or boiling a bunny. Real romance is your husband coming home with family size bags of Skittles and Twizzlers.
Stop bringing shitty Bluetooth speakers on hikes. No one came to the woods to hear you listen to Katy Perry
You can make so much more soup if you use your washing machine.
My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
Interviewer: Any special skills?
Me: Eclairvoyance.
Him: I don’t understand.
Me: There’s a box of donuts in your desk
Him: YOU KNOW TOO MUCH
Of course being a child is terrible .. They don’t give you any money and then make you watch commercials the whole time
[Husband 911]
Me: I just shattered the gravy boat.
911: She’ll kill you.
M: I know.
911: We never spoke.
M: What?
911: Good luck
* Click *
My daughter asked me what a colonoscopy was so I gave her an honest answer. She learned about colonoscopies and I learned I need to be less honest.
Never really had a nickname in my life.. Except maybe that one time a bunch of chumps called me “The defendant” for a full day.