I never knew how long it took a human to fall asleep until I had kids. In case you’re wondering it’s 2 hours, 3 cups of water, & 18 books.
You Might Also Like
Everything about parenting is as unexpected and surprising as finding a dirty fork in the shower.
But, please, why is there a fork in the shower?
I refuse to stay at a Holiday Inn until they publicly specify what holiday they are referring to.
Hot air balloons kick ass. Are they safe? Not really. Can you stop if you don’t like it? Think again. BUT can you steer? Listen don’t bring that negative energy into this wicker basket ok I’m gonna light this flamethrower.
“so what brings you to therapy today?”
Wonder what happened to all the kids in middle school who flipped their eyelids inside out at recess
Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.
I do my best speed walking when I’m trying to beat another customer to the checkout at the liquor store.
Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.
Rock paper scissors but it’s just Dwayne Johnson scrapbooking
aaaaartichokes. you’re welcome.
I can only please one person a day, and i already pleased myself this morning.. so y’all are screwed!
Everyone always tells me I look young for my age, especially since I started telling them that I’m 72
[kissing girl at library] you wanna go somewhere a bit louder?
Until public restrooms have automatic doors, the automatic sinks, soap and paper towel dispenser will make no sense to me.
HOPE: why did you name me Hope
MOM: you were our hope for the future
DESPERATE ATTEMPT TO SAVE A LOVELESS MARRIAGE: what about me
MOM: same
Meat loaf is in the oven, potatoes are ready to boil and mash, and laundry’s almost done. Omg, I’m my imaginary wife.
Based on this ideal weight chart, I should be big boned, 3 inches taller, and a man.
Executioners flirting:
You hang first.
No, you hang first.
*giggling*
No, you hang!
No you!
If you haven’t woken up from a nap covered in stickers, did you even fall asleep while watching cartoons with your preschooler.
[stunned, eyes lock, a smile exchanged, and I knew it was kismet]
*hands cash to lady
Ma’am my baby isn’t for sale.
I SAID I’LL TAKE TWO!!
“Congratulations on the baby! Childbirth is so beautiful!” – Someone who has clearly never witnessed the birth of a child.
Women. Can’t live with em, can’t live without titties.
ME: i love you
HER: i love you too
ME: …ok wow i put my heart on the line and you’re telling me your favorite band
Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.
For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.
Why spend thousands on college when you can just walk into a dense fog and re-emerge years later with glowing eyes and an unfathomable growth in human intelligence?
An air mattress is great when you want to sleep on the floor but not right away.
I don’t think it’s ever happened, but according to my dogs’ reactions, I’m assuming that, some dog, somewhere, at some time, has been sucked into a vacuum cleaner.
If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department