If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.
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*goes into kitchen
*makes toast
*pours coffee
*sits at table
*opens Sunday paper“WHO ARE YOU & WHY ARE YOU IN MY KITCHEN?”
*sighs
*leaves
Me: ‘What’s on your menu?’
Restaurant Website: ‘Hahaha! Wouldn’t YOU like to know!’
Me: ‘Yes?’
RW: ‘Our chef trained in London.’
Me: ‘Cool, but what do you actually-’
RW: ‘Local ingredients are so important to us.’
Me: ‘Please, I just-’
RW: ‘RELAX IN OUR LAID-BACK ATMOSPHERE.’
Optimus Prime: *in an auto parts store* where are your dressing rooms
Being kidnapped is so much harder on the back after 40, let me tell you
Hitchhikers won’t kill you if you kill them first.
ME: I’m anti-murder
MURDERER: Wow, that’s narrow-minded
so, what you’re saying is, if i don’t eat an apple a day, i’ll meet a doctor?
… sounds better than tinder
I really like your LED headlights can I look at them with my hammer
I truly wonder what it sounded like when Medusa washed her hair at night.
My parents are hosting 10 people on Thanksgiving so naturally my dad is outside making sure there is not one single leaf on the lawn.
I have a cut on my leg Doc
“Yeah that legs gotta go sir”
But its a tiny cut
“Sorry, I cant save it” *sharks fake doctor outfit falls off*
Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.
Responding to someone putting on their jacket, picking up their bag, turning towards the door and walking away by asking “you off?”
billy joel: we didn’t start the fire
detective: I haven’t mentioned a fire
billy joel: shit
When you don’t know if the headache you have is due to dehydration, stress, or lack of coffee so you just drink more coffee.
setting a small grass fire next to my inflatable pool and then asking the firefighters to fill it up while they’re here
[First Date]
Him: And, how did you get here?
Me: My parents had sex.
Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.
HIM: I wanna be more than friends.
ME: You wanna be BEST friends?
*meeting an actual guy*
Him: Who’s your team?
Me, not a sports guy: I really enjoy a good tussle from the *reads off palm* Green Day Flockers but I love all sports ball participants
Catching up on last night’s crime shows, don’t spoil it….. does someone die? No, don’t tell me.
me: ok for that, i need you to roll a perception check
cop: that’s not how this works
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: why is my neck so long?
God: it’s the only way you could reach the top of the trees.
Giraffe: that makes perfect sense!
[monkey climbs a nearby tree]
Giraffe:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
Physics Teacher: What is
this measurable unit “µ”
called? Student : Torrent
Just found out the last message the Mars Rover sent was, “my battery is low and it is getting dark,” and I will be using the same message for anyone who texts me to hang out after 630pm
Me: so then you bring in 3 investors and like they bring in 3 investors and it just keeps going and going until we all get rich. You get it?
Pharaoh: i actually love this
Shout-out to my embarrassingly squeaky ass bed frame that makes me sound more popular than I actually am to my neighbors.
barbie baked bread before becoming bamboozled by bearded beavers
Dracula: you will become a creature of the night. Not alive, but not dead. You will thirst for blood and haunt the land for eternity
Me: but I can play video games all the time, forever?
Dracula: in theory…yes
Me: ok let’s do this
Me: *pretending to smoke a hotdog like a cigar
Passport photographer: No