Honestly I don’t think I have any more new passwords left in me. You wanna steal my identity? Go ahead, I hope you enjoy debt and terrible posture.
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Someone suggested a breakfast salad, and then I wondered why someone could be so mean.
oprah: who said that shit
meg: im not gonna say
oprah: okay i respect that
oprah: harry who said that shit to you
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
How did the small bear lookalike creature got home when it’s scooter broke down?
Ewok’d the rest of the way.
#BearDay #RubbishJokes
[1931]
Him: we should name this time period
Me: the good depression
Him: ok i like depression but the descriptor has to be something more than just “good”
Me [after consulting my good friend tony the tiger]: hear me out
Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…
Me: what a great place to bury a body!
*sleepy*
*so sleepy*
*SO SO sleepy*
*brush my teeth*
WIDE AWAKE.
ISIS frequently takes credit for random attacks even when they had nothing to do with them, making ISIS basically the Fat Jew of terrorism
Our homeschooling curriculum includes: Honors Laundry and AP Vaccumming.
Dentist: You grind at night.
Me: Oh, game recognize game.
*takes off sunglasses*
Me: Okay, weigh me now.
Talking scales: *sigh* You weigh the same but look a lot less cool.
broke secret sevrice guy turns his pocket inside out and strangles an assassin with it. opens wallet and unleashes a torrent of moths at him
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”
Attention Walmart Shoppers –
There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12
[Sitting in your closet]
I’m completely over you.
Only in Canada during a winter storm will you see kids playing road hockey.
Sober or not if a cop ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
Come back with a warrant
I’m not saying it’s been a while, I’m just saying I completely blanked on the name of my gym
As a doctor I too can prescribe up to 100 milligrams of internet a day
5yo: OMG I’M STARVING I NEED TO EAT I’M GONNA DIIIIIEE!!
*eats 3 fries*
5yo: Can I be done?
The great thing about roadkill is you can teach your kid about wildlife and road safety simultaneously
Don’t quote me on this, but I’m pretty sure the guy who invented ice fishing must’ve REALLY hated his wife.
Scientists: we want to put a chip inside your brain.
Me: [thinking about Doritos™] I’m one step ahead of you.
I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon
My son asked me how diarrhea fits into God’s plan for us and I don’t think we’re going back to church anymore.
Pro tip: if you have a student’s mother email you for a grade change have your mother respond to it.
Fight 🔥 with 🔥
me: if you love something, set it free
wife: [stopping me from releasing our baby into the wild] don’t
Was chatting at our block party and a new neighbor came up and asked if I was this dude’s wife and I said no I’m his mistress just to make it weird and welcome her to the neighborhood.