Ancestors survived five mass extinctions on earth for me to be killed by a house cat I was trying to put a christmas sweater on.
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Where there’s a will, there’s a greedy bastard hoping you die.
How come Peter Parker can be a Friendly Neighborhood Spiderman, but I can’t be a Cantankerous Neighborhood Were-Donkey!?
[13th century]
[my messenger pigeon flys in carrying a note]
me: oh hell ya she replied [i open the note and it says “read 7:49 pm”] god damnit
My washing machine is broken and the laundry is piled so much now, I’ve started to wear old Halloween costumes
After my husband explained in detail what he does for work, my 6-year-old asked if he has fun at work so clearly he was not listening to a single thing my husband said.
And I was never asked to make anything for the school bake sale again
i absolutely refuse to drink any tap water till it’s gone though my brita filter that i haven’t changed in 5 years
i am against victim blaming except for when someone loses their sunglasses in the ocean
I could have been the favourite Mistress of the Sun King at Versailles but nooooooooo I had to be born into late stage capitalism
Stop saying da Vinci invented the helicopter. He invented the sky corkscrew and it was ridiculous.
I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…
My favourite part of today was when my kids hugged it out and then checked their backs for kick me signs.
They say I’m too much of a competitive mom but I think kids need encouragement
I SAID SWEEP THE LEG, LILY!-Ma’am, this is just a bake sale
When I woke my son up, he growled at me and I was like, “First of all, you need to get ready for school, and second of all, you raise a good point.”
TurboTax: Do you have any dependents?
Me: Just one.
TurboTax: Dependent’s last name?
Me: B-E-Z-O-S
pretty sure no other member of my family knows we own a dishwasher
It’s crazy that you get in trouble for trafficking drugs across the border. What if you were just doing someone a favor?
Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?
This is not my forté. It’s not even my threeté if I’m being honest.
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone might accidentally clean them?
me: excuse me but is the pilot vaping?
flight attendant: no there’s a fire in the cockpit
me: oh thank god
[finishing last sip of wine]
waiter: would you like another glass?
me: no just refill this one
[first day as a lawyer]
CLIENT: you’re fired
ME: was it my opening rap or the –
CLIENT: mostly the skipping, yes
I didn’t choose the thug life, the thug life chose me; mistakenly as it were because I have the nerves of a guinea pig and puke when I cry.
Yet another day I failed to wake up as a giant cockroach
“Alright they’ve left for vacation lets rob em”
Oh shoot their porch lights are on
“So what we literally watched them leave”
Rules are rules
Me: you feel like doing something?
Her: sure, I have a few hours to kill
Me: maybe after the killing then
i always get a lock of hair on the 1st date in case she dumps me i can still scrapbook about it
Me: My grandparents have been married for 50 years.
Friend: I can’t imagine being married for that long!
His wife: [glares at him]
Me: I don’t think you will have that problem.
Boeing apologizes for miscalculating how many of you they could kill cutting corners before everyone got all mad