My assistant is eating her pizza with a knife and fork, yet eating her salad with her fingers by picking through and finding the specific vegetable she wants.
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Her: Can I sit down & join you?
Me: Be careful. I’m bad luck.
Her: Oh, no you’re not!
Me: (Sigh) You just sat on some gum…
My husband: All the flags are at half-mast this weekend.
Me: For Tina Turner?
My husband: [long, scathing pause] For Memorial Day.
EXECUTOR OF MY WILL: I’m so sorry for your loss. Mr. Nadeau has requested he be mummified, but in Fruit Roll-Ups.
WIFE: *Knocks on coffin* Andrew. You have to stop doing this. Are you alive?
ME: *Muffled* No.
WIFE:
ME: *Muffled but sadder* Maybe.
Years ago after much testing and pearl clenching, a library I worked for purchased chairs that were designed to discourage snoozing. Within 15 minutes of the day they arrived, someone fell asleep in one. Wish I had saved the photo.
I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.
Ryan Reynolds Said What?!
oh you’re an industrialist? name 5 cheesecakes manufactured at cheesecake factory
*My neighbor rolls over in bed.
Me: You really shouldn’t sleep with the windows open. Now quit hogging the covers.
Playing “bad guy” with my daughter and she puts me in jail because “your tummy big”.
I guess loving a good burger makes me a criminal.
1998:
– Don’t get in strangers’ cars
– Don’t meet ppl from internet2016:
– Literally summon strangers from internet to get in their car
The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.
I’m not antisocial. I’m anti-idiot.
If she says “I have a question but don’t lie”, just know that she already has eight photos, three witnesses, a voice message and eighty six screenshots.
Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Just think, there are people out there who don’t get to read my tweets.
Tonight on The History Channel’s Dying in the Woods: Eric dies in the woods.
Wear green for St Patty’s Day! You don’t wanna get punched!
-You mean pinched
[flashback to the 6 people I punched earlier]
It’s pinched?
men only want 1 thing. women only want 7 things. babies only want 53 things. dogs only want 633 things. flamingos refuse to divulge how many things they want
Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.
Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter
Top Tip: Don’t name your kids after places, objects or things you see on the internet
Me: Sorry son, it seemed like a good idea at the time
Me: *Asks question on snapchat*
Them: *Answers question on snapchat*
Me: “Wait, what did I ask again?”
Its ridiculous that Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his anger issues and not for his amazing & realistic paintings of fake tunnels.
A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.
Before seeing why your toddler has been quiet for 10 mins it’s best to first call the plumber and write your apology letter to the landlord.
I’m afraid we’re on the brink of WW3 ( Wonder Woman 3 )
My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention:
Pick your nose
Marries a mime. Lives quietly ever after.
I bought a Mr. Microphone at a garage sale. Now I’m driving around yelling at bad drivers.
Best 25¢ I’ve ever spent.
B2….
or not B2…
That might be the number.
–Shakespearean Bingo Caller
“STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO”, I yell to my 5 year old.