Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week
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We made fun of recipe bloggers for including stories but now online recipes are actual hell. It used to be a cute story about a trip to Italy but now you have to search through “17 techniques for chopping garlic” and “8 tools you could use for garlic chopping (Amazon links included)” and 12 ads to MAYBE find the recipe.
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.
What did this chicken ever do to them?? 😂😂😂
Did you guys hear about the football player who hits women? No the other one. No the other one.
Me: I learned everything I know about Cinco de Mayo from watching Coco.
Him: Coco was about Day of the Dead, not Cinco-
Me: Cinco, Coco, YOU KNOW I DON’T SPEAK SPANISH, TODD!
So we’re overreacting today? Alright then …
I made the mistake of telling my kids “effort is all that matters” and now they tell me that every time I cook
The highest paid minds in campaign fundraising are hard at work figuring out how to send me more mail that I hate
If practice makes perfect, why in the hell are we all so shit at sleeping as adults!
Huge nerds we are. Get laid we must.
[church]
1-year-old: *throws a tantrum*
Me: This is the worst place for a meltdown.
Wife: Nuclear power plants?
Me: Second worst place.
That water trick was miraculous, but let’s see Jesus try walking on Legos.
Fantasy:
We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field.
Her side is mined.
I finally feel peaceful and my mind is quiet.
Universe: Have her ex from 15 years ago contact her out of the blue and apologize for things she’d forgotten.
I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.
[wife opens emergency kit after disaster] WTF THERE’S NOTHING IN HERE EXCEPT ENYA ALBUMS
Me: [trying to hide my shame] oh wow, whose are those
Don’t wait until tomorrow to be a good person. Wait until next Thursday
We’ve replaced my roommate’s Sour Cream Pringles with a colony of wasps I’ve been antagonizing for a month. Let’s see if he notices.
I’ve finally had time to open the boxes in the basement. Well guess who is coming up smelling like vintage 80s English Leather.
I like to say thank you to my server when he arrives with the water, then again while he’s pouring the water, then another time when he hands me the glass full of water, and then one final time when he’s walking away
I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.
It’s for plane enthusiasts.
What were you thinking?
Californians forget how to drive when it rains
God: send them snow
Make your first kiss more memorable by letting them know about your sci-fi themed weapon collection moments before your lips touch.
Words are fun. A “bat” can be a piece of sports equipment or an animal. A “spirit” can be a ghost or a beverage. A “content” creator can be someone who creates videos or who walks around screaming all of the time.
My husband has blocked the sink!!!!
.
I knew I should have buried him in the garden!
Q: Why did Snape stand in the middle of the road? A: So you’ll never know which side he’s on.
Survivor 1: “Help! I can’t swim! I’m drowning!” Survivor 2: “I have a buoy, friend.”
[gets pulled over for speeding]
Where’s the fire ma’am?
*grips lighter*
“I’m not sure yet”
As a doctor I too can prescribe up to 100 milligrams of internet a day