if you think about all the people you didn’t marry, you’ve had a positive impact on virtually every life in the world
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[things I worry about on vacation]
1) Getting eaten by a shark
2) Worrying that I didn’t get eaten by a shark because it assumed I tasted funny
Any wedding can be a fairy tale wedding if you serve porridge and release three angry bears into the reception hall
My wife: How does a summer road trip with the kids sound?
Me: Sounds like we had a good run.
COP: don’t worry sir, we’ll find your kids as soon as we can.
ME: no hurry.
[pulled over]
Cop: Have you been drinking?
Me: No
Cop: *tosses me a sock* Stand on one foot and put this on
I like to use the formal version of people’s names.
So like, if your name is Terry, I’ll call you Terrence. Larry, Lawrence. Barry, Barrence. Bobby, Bobbence. I don’t know any girls.
Me: sorry I’m late, my toddler made me find his blue socks.
Friend without kids: I don’t believe a 3yo can MAKE you do anything.
Me: 😶
If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.
[using my one prison phone call in 2007] yes, one vote for Sanjaya please
[caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.
Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”
insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time
sorry but I’m allergic to cauliflower, like deathly allergic, if I eat some my throat feels itchy then I kill everyone
*Throws caution to the wind*
*gets covered in caution*
Get married and have kids so that you can Google things like “How to teach your kid to not bite”.
soldier: is that a picture of your love?
me: *folding a Subway coupon back into my wallet* yeah
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: idk seems kinda bad
Decades have gone by and STILL my parents have not given back the Halloween candy they took from me “for safe keeping”.
I don’t have a favorite vampire. If you ask me, they all suck.
If I win the Powerball, I’m going to make golf illegal.
TUESDAY. The day you realize that nothing can stop you, because you are a MAGIC SKELETON packed with MEAT and animated with ELECTRICITY and IMAGINATION. You have a cave in your face full of sharp bones and five tentacles at the end of each arm. YOU CAN DO ANYTHING, MAGIC SKELETON
Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?
Me: *picks nose*
Plastic Surgeon: excellent choice
Candlesticks, for when you want to be stylish but also might need a murder weapon.
Baltimore’s chief export seems to be artisanal crime narrative.
MOM: why are you dropping breadcrumbs
ME: in case we get lost
MOM: we’re in an ikea
ME:
MOM: give me some breadcrumbs too
[at dinner party]
Me: Excuse me, a bit of an announcement.. Jenny and I are expecting a kid. She is 4 months pregnant.
Vegan: I’m vegan
My husband was just looking at me like I’m some kind of super hero and all I said was, “yes, we do have onion for the burgers.”.
We have 25 people coming over tomorrow for a bbq. 6 moms. 6 dads. 13 toddlers under the age of 4. My husband said if I took our girls out today that he’d ‘get the house ready.’ What did he clean in the 2 hours we were gone? The top of the fridge. He cleans the TOP OF THE FRIDGE.
waitress: are there any allergies at this table?
me, already drunk: POLLEN