Cheer up! Your biggest mistake is probably still ahead of you.
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Me (to friend): Oh my god, you have to meet him! He’s perfect!!
[8 years later]
Silently becomes enraged at the way he butters toast.
If I were Noah, I’d bring 3 of every animal just to create some drama.
me: one more peep outta you & I’m turning this car around
child (pukes up Easter candy):
me: ok that’s it!
Permission to use your hammer, your honor
It’s a gavel
Permission to use your gavel
Denied
*looks longingly at pile of walnuts & sighs*
“I just threw up in my mouth a little.” – Cows
My family thinks short term memory loss is adorable when a fish has it in Finding Dory, but when I have it, “Mommy has a drinking problem”.
a few weeks ago I faked an Irish accent at the bar & ended up meeting a guy from Ireland that night. since then I contemplated if he was faking it or not & I just found him on tinder and his bio says if he gets drunk enough he fakes an Irish accent. I’ve found my soulmate y’all!!
someone please explain to my neighbour I wasn’t “fighting a box,” I was doing the recycling
Amazing how many stupid choices are made on smart phones.
By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.
ME: Then the robber came thru the door holding a gun
COP: Was it a revolver?
ME [thinks] No he just pushed it open & walked thru like normal
[Apple meeting]
We need an honest iPhone 6 slogan.
“How about, iPhone 6: Yesterday’s technology at tomorrow’s prices.”
Too honest, Carl.
My Christmas letter this year includes a bonus DVD of my colonoscopy.
Doctor (listening to my heart): You really should stop smoking
Me: I will one day
Doctor: No…like now. You can’t smoke in here
No, I’m not proud to be eating Cheetos with chopsticks but I’m knitting so I do feel kinda smart.
Now that we’re divorcing,
I’m definitely not finishing that scarf I’ve been knitting you for nine years
[me as a tree in allergy season] HELLO I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR NOSE
me: i’m sorry
gordon ramsay: yes donkey sorry for what?
me: i’m sorry i burnt the quesadillas
gordon ramsay: that’s better big boy
me: look man you’re gonna have to leave this is a private residence
*stands in front yard, hands on hips, giving each autumn leaf that falls on my lawn a stern, disapproving look*
I’m in a doctors waiting room. What’s a polite way to say “I hate your baby”?
Wife: “Did you know that some idiot paid $96,000 for Princess Leia’s gold bikini?”
Me: [nervously tightening my robe] “Who would do that?”
Seriously In 20 years time and you’re at a pub quiz and a question starts with
“in what year”
Just answer 2016
lmao
Went to WalMart today and still had all my kids when I got home. Next week, I’ll try harder.
2 atoms of helium acting funny ~ HeHe
I’m not Madagascar, I’m just disappointedgascar
Me: Enough with the reminders. I got it already.
Also me: Oh shit that was today.
Airport Security: Please remove your shoes
Man: Don’t be ridiculous, I’m no terrorist
AS: Sir, do you want to use the bouncy castle or not?
Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.
Kids today have no idea how good they have it. They’ve got fancy electronics, cartoons on tv every day, and even tooth colored fillings.