[someone likes me as a friend]
Heart: hey you should fall in love with them
Me: what? no
Heart: *80s power ballad starts playing*
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me: i lost my luggage.
airport worker: did you carry on?
me: *sigh* how can i?
[Gets soccer schedule, 8am Saturday games]
*Tells junior he didn’t make the team*
Yaba daba do not resuscitate
Worm: If you cut a glow worm’s tail off, he’ll be de-lighted haha
Me: I don’t get it
Early bird: I do
15 wants to change my oil as a Mother’s Day gift, it’s really sweet but I can’t afford a new car right now.
If history repeats itself, I’m getting a pet dinosaur
*trapped in a sinking car*
I should call 911
*car fills with water*
Ugh I hate phone calls
*head barely above water*
Can I just text them
After checking my credit report, the realtor showed me a vast array of tents and fancy cardboard boxes in the woods.
The newest Teenage Mutant Ninja Jurtle: Thiccelangelo.
It’s not a family vacation until someone threatens to throw a prized possession from a moving vehicle.
My 3 year old had a tantrum earlier and afterwards he apologized for yelling at me. When I started to hug him, he said ‘if you just did what I wanted I wouldn’t get mad.’
Same, kid. Same.
Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.
Him: wanna go to your favorite place?
Me: Poundtown?!
H: I was thinking Target but—
M: no, no, your instincts were correct
Using a cellphone in 90’s: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Using a payphone today: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Shakespeare: ugh! I do no want to people today
Bee: that’s funny. It doesn’t even occur to me whether or not I want to bee
Shakespeare: *discreetly taking notes
*kills time while waitimg for train*
oh no with time dead the train will never arrive
I woke up hoping for an easy morning, then my 3 year old came downstairs and informed me that she wasn’t planning on using her hands today. This should be fun.
yes, sharks can outswim you. but you can outrun sharks. so far in a triathlon you’re square. all comes down to who’s the faster cyclist
The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.
parents: a large old man with white hair is going to break into the house while you’re sleeping and give you toys
kids: oh worddddd
My therapist told me to set a boundary with my family so I built an electric fence around my house. This therapy stuff is really working!
HER: Wow, look at all the presents! How did you afford it all?
ME: I used Kohl’s cash.
[police burst through the door with Kohl]
KOHL: That’s the man who mugged me!
Have kids so you can find a banana peel in your washing machine AFTER you washed your clothes.
Every time you push the potato button on your microwave, a potato appears in someone else’s microwave.
I mean yeah I’m middle class but not “stop stealing ketchup packets” middle class
Imagine being a licensed therapist scrolling Twitter just basking in the never ending job security
“no” – me after being asked by the joker if i wanted to know how he got his scars
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
america: tremble at our nuclear might
also america: we skip the number 13 on elevators when we build skyscrapers cos that’s spooky
the worst part about getting murdered has to be meeting a new person