I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle
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dear teenage me, it’s the future. no flying cars but you will write jokes on a telephone. no don’t kill yourself it’s actually pretty fun
My dress code is business-casualty.
Me: ‘Alcohol only kills the weakest brain cells.’
Also Me: *parks car in neighbor’s driveway*
I just want everyone to know that when my mom was 24 she showed up to her Halloween work party dressed as Monica Lewinksy because she was sleeping with her boss.
It’s going to be so intense if Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce break up because millions of Swifties who may or may not have a favorite football team will for sure have a LEAST FAVORITE.
Why tf bills never go on sale ? Can i get a buy one get one month free or something? Damn
me irl
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
Remember the good old days when you didn’t know how to talk
~Me to my kids when they tell me my jokes are stupid.
Gun people are always like “you can pry it out of my cold dead hands”
Why are you dead in your own story, must not be a very good gun
Boss: You want another raise? We just gave you one nine years ago, what did you do with that money?
please stop saying things like “ur so hot” and “your jokes have both emotional depth and the refreshing originality of a self aware intellectual” and start saying things like “here is ten thousand dollars”
Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.
*Joins sleep study to get a full night’s rest away from my kids*
At the age where a big break could mean either my career or a hip
If two women are fighting, put them in the bathroom. Women get along very well in bathrooms
ghost me: baaaaaa
guy: are you saying baa instead of boo
ghost me: look i just died yesterday ok please don’t stress me out
*slams a five on the counter*
“Bartender! Give me another!”
*bartender pours me another bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch*
it took 26 tries to get this “messy” bun to look just right and he asked why I didn’t do my hair today, so I hit him with the shovel
officer: fair enough
I don’t forgive or forget. I make voodoo dolls.
“even if my client did kill his wife, think of the 7.4 billion people he DIDN’T kill.”
– my first and last day as a defense attorney
Of course I know about dates.
Each 100 gm of dates contains 75 gm of carbohydrate and 2.5 gm of protein.Much healthy.
9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won’t tell you what they’re wearing.
Gonna start saying “that’s what they want you to believe” whenever anyone disagrees with me
My son got hungry so I gave him a snack. His teacher is gonna say how he can’t eat and before I knew it, I yelled from the kitchen “Girl, he is at home honey!” & then there was silence…….
My buddy telling me to invest in crypto I’m like dude I haven’t even figured out regular money yet
ME: *smashes bottle into a ship*
MAN: Oh cool, what are you naming it?
ME: I’m not *smashes another bottle* I just hate ships
Ghost: GET OUT
Me: Or what?
Ghost: I’ll close a cupboard loudly and tip over a cup. I have all the powers of a three year-old that has access to a ladder
everyone: recovering from the holidays is rough, i could sure use a few more bucks
february: no
me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room
cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you