When I go out in public with my brother; people think he is my boyfriend, which is crazy because we broke up over 12 years ago.
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I dont have a “college fund” bc my youngest will most likely get a scholarship and my oldest thinks all dogs are boys and all cats are girls
Ways I’m like a tea kettle: 1) need water 2) start screaming when someone forgets abt me 3) could burn down a house but probably never will
whenever i’m laughing i’m always like omg just like that cow from that cheese
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
most awkward objects to handle:
1. mattress
2. big sack of onions
3. dead guy rolled in a carpet
[at church]
ME: the fabric on these pews is so soft
HER: omg put your pants back on
Got attacked by a pigeon this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.
Starbucks really isn’t that expensive when compared to what Victoria’s Secret charges per cup
Having to hide your euphoria when a friend says “I’m going to have to cancel tonight”
Drinking alone last week
– depressing
– antisocial
– i “have a problem”Drinking alone today at 11 am
– conscientious
– courageous
– saving your nana’s life
You never say “I love you” back
Tater tots:
I just heard a newborn crying & my remaining ovary shriveled up & fell out. I kicked it under the fridge. The ovary, I’m not a monster.
lil red riding hood: the Internet told me there are two wolves inside of you
granny: *sweating* haha what I don’t even have one haha who reads things on the Internet
BABY: WAAAAAAA-
ME: Shhhh, it’s okay.
BABY: -AAAAAAAA-
ME: shhhh….
BABY: -AAAAAALUIGI!
ME: wtf
BABY: (whispering) No one will believe you.
If I die before I wake, I died doing what I loved.
For the last 60 days, a guy from Tinder has texted me some variation of “Hi. How are you?”
I reply, “Good. You?”
And the conversation trails off there or after a few more texts.
He never makes plans to go out.
I guess he’s just making an Excel spreadsheet about how I am.
you’ve never seen climate change and peppa pig in the same room have you.
king arthur: has anyone seen the guy who cuts open everyone’s boils
*knights murmuring*
sir lancelot: I’m here your majesty
some days you look in the mirror and all you see is a Botero painting
My kid’s high school did a random search of all the lockers today and guess who’s teenager stood in front of her locker and yelled, “SHOW ME THE WARRANT!!”
As I walked through the valley of the shadow of death, I pooped my pants a little bit. Not gonna lie.
COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think
On one hand, I’m intrigued by witchcraft. On the other hand, it seems like it involves a lot of chopping and cooking.
Sometimes I toast to world peace, but secretly, I just want restaurants to stop serving frozen butter with bread
I bought a new BMI smart scale so that I could have a technologically advanced and detailed reason to cry every morning.
“Hand me that pillowcase. Nope, that’s a coverlet. No, that’s a sham. That’s my nightgown. That’s a duvet cover.”
~Excerpt from my book, “Making the Bed with the Mrs.”
me: damn, can’t use the gps, my phone is dead
friend: it’s cool, we have a map
me: nice, we can find a place to charge my phone
I sent my wife a copy of a menu from a really fancy restaurant ahead of time….
….she’ll be so surprised when we pull up at this Applebee’s.
I like to send love notes in my husband’s lunch like SORRY THE BREAD IS STALE MAYBE YOU SHOULD LEARN TO SEAL IT BACK WHEN YOU ARE DONE
After bragging I could eat hot curry to be cool, the football Christmas dinner was at an Indian restaurant. I ordered the vindaloo, after a few minutes I was in tears. I grabbed my phone and pretended to take a call, standing up I said, “My dogs died” and walked out.