spent 20 minutes training ChatGPT to write the perfect anniversary note for my wife so don’t try to tell me I’m not romantic
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Lose wallet.
Panic.
Ask everyone if they’ve seen it.
Tear your car and house apart.
Drive all over the city retracing your steps.
Give up.
Cancel credit and debit cards.
Find your wallet under a piece of paper on the nightstand.
Blame the dog
Smoothies- the art of selling half a banana and a peach for £3.50.
#RubbishJokes #JokeDay
#FridayVibe
I could never argue with evolution. No telling how many situations have had me ready to throw my own shit.
The Amazon driver drove right by my house without dropping off a package.
He’s got some nerve.
Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it’s girlfriend tells it to do.
*hires 2 personal trainers and makes one of them train the other one*
Thy pee runneth clear,
Hydration is near.
Thy pee runneth yellow,
Drink up, my good fellow
you visit my house and within moments i offer you strawberry shortcake. you decline but i put an entire cake on the table and begin cutting it. you are confused. it takes me 45 minutes to eat the entire thing alone and we do not speak
Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.
Them: ugh could you be more annoying
Me: oh my yes
If we all winked, laughed out loud, stuck out our tongues and blew kisses in real life as much as we do in texts…it would be very creepy.
Husband called to me tonight, “What’re you doing in the bathroom? Kids need to get in bed.”
I will make his obituary as eloquent as I can.
Broke out some old threads to wear to work today and was feeling pretty cool until my 12 year old daughter saw me and said, “What is that shirt? You look like the 90s,” then I knew I nailed it.
when I have dinner with a vegetarian I order two steaks to use as a bun for my third steak
Happened to go back & look at my most recent review at work, where my manager literally wrote “you go above, and beyond, attending meetings even on your days off, and you’re an excellent team player” and then marked it as meets expectations!
I’m about to be so unsatisfactory 🖕🏻
The average person swallows 30-50 feral hogs in their sleep every year.
[Watching the World Cup]
GUY *nods at the screen* Who’s your favourite player?
ME: uh…that round-headed guy is good, what’s his name again?
GUY:
ME:
GUY: That’s the ball
ME: Ok
Do you single people want to know what marriage is like? Imagine having an argument in 1993 and talking about it once a week until you die
I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.
Him: do you know an easy way to draw three flying birds?
Me: mmm
Him: thanks
If I wear a wizard hat and robe to my cousin’s wedding this weekend, I bet no one asks me if I’m next.
My Uber driver just told me that he’s been doing a lot of pick ups/drop offs at ER’s and Urgent Care, so, goodbye.
Scrolls Twitter
*throws phone in holy water
Since I started yoga I’ve got so flexible I can now bend over far enough to see my toes.
If you ever find yourself drowning in a pool of egg whites and sugar, simply keep thrashing until you’re resting comfortably on a pillow of meringue.
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
Manslaughter: I always used to read it as ‘man’s laughter’.
Seems oddly appropriate for someone who’s got away with murder…
everyone: “you changed”
the climate: i know 😞
shaved my legs in case there’s someone hot and single aboard the ufo
*at Wal-Mart*
Husband: A couple is fighting on the cereal aisle
Me: It’s not us this time
*we fist bump*