Halloween and Valentine’s day are pretty much the same thing… people dress up and pretend to be someone they’re not for some sugar
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I’ve never dated two people at the same time, but I have had UPS and Amazon show up on the same day.
My dentist says it’s ok to open stuff with your teeth and that flossing is “the next big scam.” He’s at my house today for a surprise checkup/to ask if he can park a car in my backyard for a few weeks “until the heat dies down.” His rates are very affordable.
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
[uses 225 gallons of water to clean out peanut butter jar for recycling]
My plans: 2020:
[Sci fi movie]
How did you travel such a distance so fast?
“I went through a wormhole.”Worms in the audience: Omg this is so unrealistic.
For a good party trick, drill a hole in the top of your medicine cabinet and fill it with marbles before you invite people over.
Me: Why is your face so cold??
Husband: *sheepishly* Took me a while to choose a snack from the fridge.
My spirit animal is an upturned turtle.
i was one of the palm trees waving around in the background of every 16 bit game in the 90’s so yes random guy you do know me from somewhere
[at a fancy restuarant]
WIFE: make sure u leave a good tip
ME: ok [writing on bill] “only evolve ur pokemon when uve activated a lucky egg”
Average age of billionaires: 65
Average age of billionaires in books: 35
[boy spreads his little arms]
Boy: i love you this much daddy!
Neil deGrasse Tyson: on a universal scale, that is an alarmingly small amount
Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”
911: Did you ring yesterday?
Boy: No
911: Day before?
Boy: Definitely not
911: Your voice is familiar
Boy: Please just help
911: Ok can you describe your attacker?
Boy: It’s a wolf
911: Oh for fu
WIFE: Do something productive today
ME: I will
[later]
WIFE: What the-?
[dog zooms by in the car]
ME: I taught him how to drive, Karen
Husband said our electricity bills are too high need to cut back
so I asked him to move.
If you feel hopeless about the world and your place in it, I can recommend something. Turn off all electronic devices, close your eyes, and sit still for 5 minutes. It won’t help, but now you’re 5 minutes closer to being dead and not having to worry about it.
“Notice the way he uses colors.”
“How??”
*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?
Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer:
don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry
– me taking a joke
The doctor said I’m addicted to meat but I said surely it can’t do any ham?
Guys what shall we call thing that impedes movement?
GUY NAMED BARRY: “How about a barry?”
GUY NAMED BARRY BARRY: “How about a barrier?”
[toddler saves Michael Cera from drowning]
Look dude, I’m going to need to see alot more chest hair and jewelry if you want into my Disco party
{Father & son fishing}
DAD: Son, I don’t say this nearly enough…
SON: *smiles* Yeah?
DAD: …I used to practice kissing on your Aunt Kim.
You could replace the zombies on Walking Dead with huggers and it’d be the same scary show.
[Mon]
Boss: Let’s talk about your clothes
Adam: But it’s my best leaf
B: You need officewear
A: Understood[Tues]
B: Is that a sticky note?