me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
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Shout out to one of my friends who went to ice her Xmas cake & discovered a very happy boozy mouse in the tin 😂
Me: My weight is up. I really hate winter.
Him: Don’t be discouraged. You’ll bounce back in spring once you shave your legs.
[first date]
Me: so u just wanna poke ur straw thru that little hole
Her: I know how juice boxes work
Mom: well isn’t she a feisty one?
Me every day: You kids drive me insane. I need a break.
Me before a kid-free trip: I CAN’T LEAVE MY LITTLE SUGAR PLUMS
Any TV can be a TV dinner if you eat TVs
Apparently it’s okay for the office to have “casual Friday’s,” but “nudist Tuesday’s” are frowned upon. How embarrassing for me.
I wish there were a specific ring you could wear that meant “I’m not married but I don’t want men to talk to me”
I just watered a few plants so I’m ready to open a landscaping business.
“Sorry my phone died”
-something I’ve said 5,326 times but it’s never actually happened
*Opens a window and the wind blows 84 hamburger wrappers from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.
Me: ‘I love you so much, I’ll see you later beautiful’
Girlfriend: ‘I love you too’
Me: *Looks up from patting dog*
‘Yeah see you later’
Me: That was fun! Fist me!
Him: What?!
Me: Fist me!! *holds out knuckles*
Him: …..
I hate it when people that don’t have kids try to give u advice. I think by now I know how much pot my kids can handle, thank you very much.
that’s exactly what a van without puppies would say
I feel so stupid for believing in Santa Claus. How did I not realize this whole time it was my parents delivering the gifts to everyone in the world
Sorry I referred to your one-night-stand as “the nakey mistakey”.
Are you eating Jell-O?
Cow: “Yeah.”
You know what gelatin is made from, right?
Cow: “No, what?”
Uh. Rainbows. Enjoy, buddy.
I’ve never played Jenga, but I have had to extricate myself from a sleeping toddler in my bed, so I think I could handle it.
I’m bored I think I’ll go to the mall, find a really good parking spot and sit there with my reverse lights on.
*chasing after a rooster* give me your cool hat
wife: my husband thinks he’s a ghost
marriage counselor: what. where is he
wife: he’s probably trying to come in…
[sound of someone running straight into the door]
ME (watching a sea of a million llamas stampede over the horizon): dear God, it’s the alpacalypse
i unknowingly took my toddler to the museum with a shirt pocket full of scrambled eggs
There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.
I like to think I didn’t lose a girlfriend, instead I gained an enemy.
My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.
Me: I want a snack.
Husband: You could have veggies.
Me: …I have never felt less heard in this marriage than I do now.
“What kind of dog is this?”
“Well actu..”
“Hes cute”
*pets it*
“Sir thats my..”
*picks it up*
“Your a good dog arent you?”
“PUT MY SON DOWN”