I started drinking more water and now all my workouts consist of walking back and forth to the bathroom.
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DR: Good news and bad news
LADY: What’s the bad news
DR: Your husbands dead
LADY: *crying* Oh my god
DR: *holding finished sudoku behind back* Ask what the good news is
Jan 1st: New decade going fairly well, all things considered.
Jan 2nd: Australia appears to be on fire.
Jan 3rd: World War III announced.
What part of watching dogs on skateboard makes YouTube ads think I’m in any position to buy the brand new Lexus?
A scientist who studies Adam’s apples is called a guyneckologist.
there are these baby robins in a nest outside my window and all they do is chirp for attention and food all day so it seems nature is just like twitter
netflix: are you still watching
me: no
netflix: then can i watch what i want now
8 really detests when I use fish sticks to play the drums on her head
The most valuable breed of cow are the Cash
6 pack abs on a guy are nice but it probably means that he won’t get drunk & rob a convenient store of cheese curls w/me at 3am, so no.
Me: It was just one time and I’ll never see her again. She means nothing to me.
Barber: I don’t care who cut your hair last, sir.
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: ..
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: …
(Women, take note *ahem* Man’s best friend)
Meanwhile, at School:
Teacher- “How much is a gram?”
Laure- “Depends on what you want”
Teacher- “Out, just get out”
#YouOwnedHimDude
When you’re doing all you can just to get by in life.
I just got kicked out of flat earth Facebook group because I asked if the 6 foot social distancing had pushed anyone over the edge yet .
[Family game night]
Grandma: what are the rules?
Me: omg for the last time, we spin the chamber and take turns shooting ourselves in the head
You can teach a man to lead a fish to water but you can’t make him drink a horse
The biggest lie commercials ever told me was that some day I’d be at a party and some beautiful person would show up with a bag just overflowing with McDonald’s cheeseburgers.
Writing tip: Read all your writing aloud to yourself, having first made a pentagram on the floor in salt. A demon should form in the pentagram. Give him your manuscript and tell him the name of your preferred publisher.
Honestly why do I bother attempting this shit
me: you take my breath away!
scuba instructor: sir, just give me the tank
My son’s field trip consent form lists walkmans & radios under ‘Optional items.’ Where the hell are they going, 1989??
Rewatched Nightmare on Elm Street and was reminded that when I was 8 I was so terrified of Freddy, Jason and Chucky that at night I would pray to them (not God) that if they spared me I’d become their Renfield and offered up my mean bus driver in exchange. We all did this, right?
If you like to fall asleep in bed but wake up on the floor, owning satin sheets might be for you.
Friend of mine confused IUD with IED and I couldn’t stop laughing
Every time you push the potato button on your microwave, a potato appears in someone else’s microwave.
I told my son we were going to have a dance party and he ran to the kitchen to get cups and straws and said we couldn’t have a party without drinks and that we needed to hydrate so am I finished parenting now?
[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]
For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.
“shake what ya momma gave ya!”
*starts shaking low self-esteem*
Why is a good book described as a real page turner?
That’s my minimum requirement in a book
Pages that turn
My husband made me a really romantic dinner once. When I finished cleaning the kitchen a week later, I warned him never to do anything like that to me ever again.