Don’t ask me if I’m flirting with you I promise you I have literally no idea
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Ten seconds into packing a box…aaaand I’ve lost the end of the tape
If you’ve ever fed goats at the farm where they clamber all over you chewing at your clothes, then you know what my kids are like when I pull out some string cheese
Just googled “insanity” over and over but was expecting different results.
[Whole Foods]
Woman: MY COCONUT WATER BROKE!
*I drive her to the hospital and she names her first coconut after me*
In case nobody has Facebook, it’s cold outside.
My kids at 7am: What’s for breakfast? Can I play Xbox? What are we doing today? What’s blue plus blue make?
Me:
Stop everything. Everybody shut up
There’s a spider on my ceiling. His name is Alec and where does he think he’s going oh no
No
one
yums like Gaston
Eats iced plums like Gaston
Knows you saved them but craves them, succumbs like Gaston
My prompt email replies are 10% due to me being a diligent employee, and 90% due to the crippling OCD that compels me to clear my inbox.
Hate eating nachos with someone at the theater and our fingers touch. Especially if I don’t know them, and they don’t know we’re sharing.
I can’t get out of bed, my Fitbit is charging and my steps won’t count
My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He’s only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.
Just how hairy was the person who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?
I saw a dating profile that said “No felonies” but I am not sure if that meant her or me.
quick how do i lose 15lbs in a month without changing a single thing
me on tinder:
– im a joker
– im a smoker
– im a midnight toker
– get my lovin on the runMe on LinkedIn:
– Copywriter
– Habit-oriented
– Studied philosophy
– Comfortable with hard work in fast paced environments
I just ate dinner. At 4pm. I am SO prepared for my 74th birthday
“I set all the cattle free.”
– Reverse Cowgirl
Salad is being recalled.
Do you know what’s never been recalled?Original Oreos.
Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.
I’m sorry I used your Diva Cups to quarantine my sea monkeys.
All semester I got 60% on my tests while sober. Took my final exam drunk and got a 84% on it – University of Wisconsin Parkside
#TopTip
captain: enemy sub approaching, activate the sauna
1st mate: dont you mean sonar
captain (already in towel): full steam ahead
Good Will Hunting (2018): Dystopian movie about a near future in which everyone with an ounce of good will is mercilessly hunted and killed.
I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.
If you need me, I’ll be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read
[Pet Store]
Clerk: Ma’am what can I help you with today?
Me: hi I’d like to buy this line
C: You mean snake?
M: Yes your largest worm please
me: I’m working on a romcom about mansplaining
agent: what’s it called
me: Actually Love