I have no idea what settings my 1-year-old changed, but she hit random buttons on my keyboard and now I’m a licensed realtor in Pakistan.
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Between my boy tucking his shirt in his shorts & my girl wearing socks w/ sandals I’m confident I won’t ever have to talk to them about sex.
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their GODS lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
[working at the DMV]
Me *covering phone mouthpiece*: a Mr. Godzilla wants to know if he can upload his photo or does he have to come here?
Boss: *sweating profusely*
people that brag about not eating processed foods like, okay??? what are you eating when you’re depressed? a carrot? we’re all dying, grow up and eat a hot dog from the street like the rest of us, pathetic
6: Dad, why do you have so many nicknames for me?
*I break down, no longer able to cover up that I can’t remember my son’s name
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
ADELE: hello from the outside
ME (closing blinds): a restraining order means nothing to that woman
interviewer: can you explain the 5 year gap in your resumé
me: yes
interviewer: are you going to?
me: no
WORK FROM HOME TIPS:
Have a routine. Shower/dress like normal. Keep a dedicated workspace. Fill a briefcase with sausages & carry it at all times. Stick to usual work hours. NEVER let raccoons trick you into trusting them with the beefcase: they dont have your interests at heart
[On couch, notices it’s 6pm]
Luckily I don’t have to pick up the kids from the Christmas party until 8.
*Notices it’s February*
OH SHIT
They say old habits die hard…
My ex was an old habit, here’s to hoping.
3yo: Wipe me!
Me: What did you do?
3: Only pee and poop.
Me: [wondering in terror what the other options are]
ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you
PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist
I admit I’m not very handy, but there are many other areas in which I also do not excel.
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote you can be distant and vague?
ME: *staring out the window* Idk, maybe.
[sees my dentist in the store]
*really loud fake phone call voice*
me: ya I’m just picking up some floss cause I ran out probably because I floss every day idk
Millennials are so spoilt with their smartphones & tablets. All we had at their age was the ability to buy property in Central London.
Sometimes I think about when my 2 friends asked me to play the board game “Risk.” They were both smart & ultracompetitive, & focused on annihilating each other. Nonstop trash talk. They forgot I was playing until suddenly they realized I had taken over the world & won the game.
Why is he not as excited to meet me? 🙁
If there’s anything Urban Dictionary has taught me it’s that I shouldn’t be so curious at times.
[right after sex]
Me: so that was uhh-
The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
Sorry babe, I have to cancel our date tonight. I joined a 50’s gang and I need to go to snapping practice.
“You know what? I’ll just wait for the next Uber. Thanks.”
[stunned, eyes lock, a smile exchanged, and I knew it was kismet]
*hands cash to lady
Ma’am my baby isn’t for sale.
I SAID I’LL TAKE TWO!!
So because my friend helped me move, now I’m expected to go help him move? How is that fair?
It’s raining men because the aliens are returning the abductees in the most compelling way possible.
A good hack to make my house look clean and tidy in the evening is to turn all the lights off.
canadian assassins are called killergrams
Not arguing with people in 2024, I’m just gonna say “it makes sense that you would think that”