The Sound of Music taught me if you don’t like your country’s regime, you & your family can safely escape through various musical numbers.
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anime mfs be like “i promise it gets better just wait till episode 561 bro”
Dentist: Did you deliberately loosen this tooth?
Me: Why would I do that?
D: ok…[extracts tooth & hands me a lolly]
Me: *winks at camera*
“Nevertheless”
~ Me, when choosing a piece of cake or pie
[undercover FBI agent steps out of his surveillance van, knocks on my front door] do you ever stop eating?
Survivor: The Dryer Edition.
Jeff Probst: The tribe has spoken. Wool sock, it’s time to go.
I’ve never been to a tailgate party, but I once hung out with my grandma and her friends in the bingo parking lot for 30 minutes.
well, Sam. It’s been a helluva day. A helluva day! Hit me, again.
COP: I need to see some ID
ME: [hands him ID]
COP: this isn’t yours
ME: you said “some”
COP: lol wow good point you’re free to go
I don’t care if it’s immature or not, I’m pausing my age until this bullshit is over.
How does North Korea only have four medals so far?
We’re the best at everything.
We even fed our athletes this time.
my gf left me bc i’m paranoid
nvm she’s back, she went pee
The perennially hyped name “Super Moon” insults the legacy of Superman, Super Volcanoes, Supernovae, and even Super Mario.
“Mysterious, cerebral, suspense, drama”
Netflix are you describing a movie or my last boyfriend?
Sure, my bologna has a first name, but he’s a stickler for manners so he insists we still call him Mr. Bologna.
Roughly 60% of my childhood was spent trying to do the crane kick after watching Karate Kid.
[after lover’s spat]
ME: Honey. Lamb chop. Sweetie cakes.
HER: You’re just naming foods.
ME: Pumpkin. Muffin.
HER: …
ME: Zucchini bread.
I caught my son punching his sister and he said, “I didn’t punch her, I just poked her arm with my knuckles.”
If escape artist lying was a thing, then my son would be Houdini.
My toddler got me up at 4:30am because “Eeyore said it’s morning” Stupid donkey ruining my life
I have really bad hearing & thought he said “I love turds” but he said “nerds” & now I don’t know what to do with this shit in my underwear.
[Premiere of A River Runs Through It]
Beavers: Booooo!
Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?
Me: Please face the front
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: thank god, I thought you were going to kill me
Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it’s up to you.
so no-one told you life was gonna be this way *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot*
Something I ordered off ebay 8 months ago just arrived. Package says “by air”, so I’m assuming it was attached to a paper airplane.
surgeon: this man has a broken leg
horse surgeon intern: oh no
surgeon: which we can easily fix
horse surgeon intern: wait which we can what?
Person: What are you doing?
Me: Looking at owl callers. It’s skunk mating season. I want to discourage them from my yard. Owls are their predators. I COULD use an owl call but it’s also OWL mating season. I could end up with A LOT of owls
P: You win weirdest problem of the day
Me: Make me look more rugged & manly, but on a budget
Plastic Surgeon: *gives me a roundhouse to the face*
Me: *spitting teeth out* perfect
I just want to be fit enough to reach into my glove compartment, without crying.
what if aliens really do exist but all they do is steal chapstick from us bc that’s how they fuel their spaceships?