If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…
You Might Also Like
“Sooth.”
-a soothsayer
ikea instructions make no sense, why would they only give me one allen wrench to cook all these meatballs
My new year’s resolution is 1920 × 1080.
Me: This little kid sitting next to me in a restaurant wouldn’t stop screaming so I decided to scream back and wow I totally get why kids scream it’s so freeing and so much better than actually verbalizing your emotions
Therapist: I think you’re regressing
Me: *screams* am i?
I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire
Therapist: Ok so what brings you both here?
Me: Well apparently I make her life a “living hell”
My guardian angel: *sobbing uncontrollably*
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.
Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.
Our son came home one day with
a note from his first grade teacher:Your son bit another boy today.
Is he getting enough to eat at home ?
Monday
LOIS LANE: here i got you these contacts so you don’t have to wear glasses anymore
CLARK KENT: *nervous sweating*
Is your refrigerator running?
Because I might vote for it.
Yes, 911, that guy just fed my house letters again.
I got mad at a rock today.
I chopped it in half with my lightsaber.
Now there are two rocks.
Send help. Now.
What did the boy with no hands get for christmas?
Gloves!
Just kidding, I don’t know what he got. He hasn’t opened it yet.
Please pray for my friends’ 4-year-old. They found out today 7 minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or videotaped and put on Facebook.
“What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?”
-How I pick my Halloween costume
Publisher: it’s genuinely awful to spend time with your main character, no redeeming qualities whatsoever. can we change that?
Me: it’s my autobiography.
My tiny body fills up with emotions faster than normal sized people so really it makes sense when I overreact to everything
FORENSIC SCIENTIST: The killer is a Chimpanzee.
COP: How can you be sure?
GWEN STEFANI: *looking up from microscope* This shit is bananas.
Give yourself something to look forward to tomorrow: Text a friend, “I think you owe me an apology,” then turn off your phone and go to bed
I’m not a fan of camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat
(My cat, about to barf) MUST…MAKE IT…TO…CARPET
I don’t have many steadfast rules in life, but one of them is to always decline grated cheese from anyone with band-aids on their knuckles
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
My 6 year old is telling me a story, oh wait, now he’s 9.
If I’d been around in France when Marie Antoinette said “let them eat cake,” I would’ve been like “wait a minute, let’s hear this lady out.”
My 6yo asked if she could read me her book on our ride home. I said sure. My 6yo with her best outside voice, “table of contents!” Oh boy, it’s gonna be a long ride.