I’m happy my date didn’t snoop in my medicine cabinet but sad I spent an hour setting up 40 ping pong balls in there for nothing
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When you haven’t shaved in a while and your leg hairs sway better in the breeze than your neighbour’s stupid windchime
It’ll be a cold day in hell. Cloudy in purgatory, with a slight chance of rain. And clear skies up in heaven. Now over to Jim with sports.
If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won’t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore
Dogs should be allowed to drive.
start pet casino? explore legality
shit this isn’t my notes app
The Three Little Pigs use the money from their life story to build the ultimate house.
genie: i’ll grant you one wish now and then an additional wish every six months
me: i thought i got three wishes right now
genie: trust me this arrangement is much better at reducing your tax burden at the end of the year
Please send me love and light I went on a walk today and I nodded + smiled politely at someone but they were a Halloween decoration.
Friend: what are you doing for VD?
Me: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Friend: Valentine’s Day…
Me, leaning in: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
“How’d ya get that bruise on your cheek?”
*remembers dropping her phone on her face in bed*
Me: Street Fight
Sometimes I’ll purposely spill gravy
on my pants to give me an excuse
to leave early.
The real trick is sneaking the gravy
into church.
*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*
What’s your theory?
That money can buy happiness.
The sound that tennis players make but I’m just picking my socks up off the floor.
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
me: [straddles chair to look real cool]
executioner: no
applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist
What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?
Amateur
My superpower is to wake up more tired than I was when I fell asleep.
The difference between just buying your teenage son some food on the way home and texting him to ask what he wants is approximately $30.
I’m 50. I thought I would have flown through a room almost horizontally shooting 2 handguns at the same time by now 😌💭
When she was 3, I took my youngest to makeup a gymnastics class we’d missed. The entire hr she was surly af & I had no idea why.
On the car ride home, she bold-faced stared me down and said, “MOM, we didn’t do ANY makeup in this class, you LIED.”
Kids.
Nobody ever says “OMG I saw your twin!” and shows you a picture of somebody attractive. It’s always like “OMG I saw your twin!” and then it’s a picture of a half-eaten sandwich in the garbage
Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.
Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?
ME: The kids have ruined their shoes
WIFE: Again? [sighs] Just throw them out[Later]
ME: Stop crying kids, your mum says you have to leave
23andMe got hacked and now strangers are trying to get into my genes.
If there is no shredded cheese in my bra right now, I have failed
Thinking about setting up Costco sample stations around the house to keep the kids busy and fed
If someone is whistling they:
1. Just killed someone
2. Are on their way to kill someone
3. Are plotting to kill someone